Your Bandages
by emichii
Summary: After being betrayed by Aizen and heartbroken by Momo, Hitsugaya is in such a bad condition that he is sent to Karakura to recover. He just didn't expect he could be open to more heartache and pain there as well.
1. Getting Away

**Disclaimer: I don't own Bleach!! It belongs to Tite Kubo! You're the man, Kubo-sensei! **

Your Bandages 

**Chapter One: Getting Away**

The sotaichou stood in front of him, looking the way the old man always did. His bald head seemed strange accompanying the long white beard that stretched down from his chin. The captain-general rarely ever seemed to open his eyes properly, they were always squinted shut.

But it didn't matter so much as to why Yamamoto had squinty eyes; nobody wanted to see Hitsugaya Toushirou right now.

Hitsugaya was broken.

He was so torn apart, so ripped to pieces, so mentally and physically and emotionally distraught and worn out into just a little more than dust.

It had been two weeks after Aizen's betrayal of Soul Society. It had already been this long, and while the Gotei 13 were slowly picking up the broken pieces and cleaning up the remnants of all the trauma; Hitsugaya was unable to recover.

Captain Aizen… had been so well-respected by everyone, especially by Hitsugaya. But it wasn't like he was struggling to grasp the extent of Aizen's monstrous wickedness. He was able to accept that. It wasn't easy to change his set view of the soft-spoken gentle man into the truth of who Aizen really was, but it sure was a lot simpler than what Hinamori asked of him.

Even now. Even now, as Hitsugaya stood there in front of the captain-general, metres apart from the few spectators, they all saw him. And they saw that he could not contain it.

Over the last weeks, he had deteriorated slowly. His hair was as white as ever, but dishevelled more than it had been, hanging limp and messily over his forehead. He was pale, whiter than ever. His cold, blue eyes contained so much pain that anyone who saw him winced. The bags under his eyes were evident, a bruise-like greyness that spread all the way across his face. He had not experienced the blessing of sleep in weeks.

Yamamoto cleared his throat.

Every action of Hitsugaya seemed slow and painful. The tenth captain raised his head and stared dully at the sotaichou.

"Captain Hitsugaya," the old man began, staring at the young boy through the narrow slits of his eyes. "It has come to both my attention and the attention of others that your condition is deteriorating still. I… I know that Aizen's betrayal has affected you possibly the most out of all of us involved, and in addition to that, you hold the guilt of what happened to Hinamori Momo. But surely, you should understand by now, that although she is unconscious, she will not remain that way for much longer. Are you really not able to pull yourself together and watch over your division, Hitsugaya-taichou??"

Hitsugaya frowned slightly as he dropped his head and stared blankly at the ground.

He had… heard this speech, this lecture repeatedly. He didn't need to hear it again.

Yamamoto considered his silence and spoke again. "Captain Hitsugaya, having witnessed your depression and weariness, I've decided to release you."

Hitsugaya was suddenly awake. His blue eyes blinked wide open as he stared urgently and full of disbelief at the captain-general.

Yamamoto's voice softened just a tone. "I'm putting Vice-captain Matsumoto in charge of Tenth Division. And I am sending you to the Living World, Karakura town for a rest. There, substitute shinigami Ichigo Kurosaki and soul reaper Rukia Kuchiki will have the Hollows under control, and you may rest and recover. Is that clear, Captain Hitsugaya?"

Hitsugaya nodded dumbly in response.

_Stupid. How would you know anything? _The pain in his stomach tightened. _You have no idea, dammit. You have no idea…! _

In his clouded, blurry worn-out vision, he could make out the figures moving around him. Captain-general Yamamoto was motioning for the soul reapers to open up the gate into the Living World.

_My condition, you say? It is not solely because of Aizen's treachery and Hinamori's coma. _

"Taichou? Hitsugaya-taichou??"

Matsumoto's worried words didn't make their way into Hitsugaya's ears.

_Of course, those two elements contributed a lot to it, but what makes this all infinitely worse… _

The huge gates appeared before him.

…_is her. _His heart twisted in so much pain he thought he was going to fall over. _Why? Dammit, Momo, why?? Why did you have to go and trust that bastard? And why do you… even now…_

His memory of her teary eyes as she looked at him before falling into a deep, deep sleep. Her voice, soft and tender as she spoke of the traitor. Her voice full of forgiving and love for that monster!!

His cold ice-blue eyes widened in an almost terrifying way as he almost stomped towards the gate, struggling to keep his composure.

_How could you still love him? Even now??_

There was silence, just the occasional gust of wind as he took the seemingly long march to the gate. But he didn't hear or acknowledge the silence; he only heard the furious, pain-stricken cries of his heart.

_What I don't get most of all… _His steps and fury faltered as something like tears pricked at his eyes. _…is how you could have hurt me this bad? How… How, Momo? How could you have ever trusted his words over mine? I was your childhood friend! I was like family!! And I… I loved you!! _

The doors opened slowly, sliding outwards.

_I did everything I ever could for you. And you tore me down like this. Because you don't love me the way I love you. And because… you chose him. _

_And bloody hell, you knew that it would rip me into shreds! You knew, dammit, you knew it all along; you knew how I felt, how much you controlled me! And even so, you had to do it. You had to do this to me!_

Hitsugaya drew closer to the doors and with a single thought but no hesitation took the first step through.

_You chose him, not me. You broke my heart. And now that it has come to this, and he has betrayed every single of us, you still wait for him. _

_I don't understand how._

_How could you look at me like that with those tears in your eyes and that love evident in you face while you asked me not to hurt him? How could you tell me you still love him with the look in your eyes that controls my every emotion and feeling for you? _

Hitsugaya felt the uncharacteristic tears well up in his eyes, but he refused to let them fall. The scenery around him changed gradually as he made his way through the gate. The area of Karakura town shivered in his vision until it finally settled and became clear. Hitsugaya stood up straighter and took a deep breath. He didn't turn around to glance back at the gates.

_I… can't be near you. I won't be anywhere close to you. Because you have already done this to me… and because I know… _

The mist rose up again, half-covering the gates before they slowly slid shut.

_I know… I've let you take control of me. You have me tied in you puppet strings, trapped in your tears and pleading… You've already ripped me apart and broken me down this far, Momo… _

_Even now… even though it hurts so bloody much… why do I ache so much to come running back to you, where I know you'll cut me again? _

Hitsugaya struggled to harden his blue eyes and stand up stronger as he glared with frustration in front of him.

_No. _

_I can't. _

_I will not. _

The doors slowly started closing.

_I can't let myself return to you. Not like this, anyway. Because I know that if I do, you'll tear me apart so much that I'll never be healed. _

_And these bandages I cling to so tightly, will never be undone again. _

As the gates closed off Soul Society, please, he found himself begging. Please… let all of this pain, fury and turmoil vanish behind those gates as well.

**End Chapter One. **

**Hi to all my hitsukarin fans and readers! Hope 2009 has started off well for ya all! Yeah, I know this first chappie leaves much to be desired, but don't worry, there'll be more to come! Yep, and more of our favourite hitsukarin!! ^_^ yeah! Please review, everybody! emichii **


	2. Really Tired

**Hi there!! Welcome to chapter 2! I hope you enjoy! Please review!!**

**Chapter Two: Really Tired **

Hitsugaya stood on the roof of the building near the park. He stood and looked down below at the trees and the wide expanse of green grass. He sighed.

It was afternoon and the colours here under the blue sky were almost too bright for him to comprehend. Compared to the dullness and starch white everywhere in the seireitei, just seeing the colours out here in the Real World was almost too much. He wanted to watch the sky, but found himself in pain just thinking about it.

He remembered a young human girl sitting beside him, asking him why he liked to watch the sky so much.

He recalled his reply.

"_It brings back memories." _

Yeah. Memories. It had always been memories of _her. _Of Hinamori Momo. But now… he didn't want to remember her!! He didn't need to think of her or suffer just by remembering her face anymore!! He didn't want to think of her ever again!! Because it would only bring him more suffering, as if he hadn't suffered enough already. What if… what if it got so much worse that he could never recover?

Hitsugaya sat down on the roof. His eyes stared blindly down at the area below him. He couldn't even go back to his spot, that other place- at the railing on the hill.

He felt the urge to reach into his pocket and check his phone for Hollows. But he knew that he was here supposedly to recover, and he could feel the reiatsu of the two other shinigami in Karakura who could take care of any problems.

Maybe he should get Tetris on his phone or something. Give him something to do.

Suddenly, there was noise from below him. He looked down from the roof to see the group of kids spilling into the park. He recognized the four boys and the one girl that were laughing and talking excitedly to each other, the girl with a soccer ball in a net slung over her shoulder.

_Ichigo Kurosaki's little sister. _His brain thought automatically as he gazed down at the girl under tired eyelids.

Hitsugaya had met Kurosaki Karin before. Only a few times the last time he was in the Living World. She was such an immature child she amused him. She scowled a lot but not as much as he frowned. She laughed and grinned too, which made him feel a little strange because she could smile so easily.

To Karin, he was probably just another one of Ichigo's weird acquaintances. But Hitsugaya hadn't visited the Real World in a long time. Things in Soul Society and within the Seireitei had been crazy, what with the whole incident with Aizen. She'd probably forgotten all about him.

---

Karin swept the soccer ball easily under her feet, expertly weaving her way past the two boys attempting to steal it. Then she passed it smoothly to another friend.

Karin stood there and watched as the others ran off further with the ball. She frowned to herself as she looked around. She thought she could feel spiritual pressure. A pretty big amount of it too.

She thought immediately of a shinigami captain she had met before. She knew he occasionally hung around in certain parts of Karakura, mainly on the hill at the railing, but also in the places around the park. But she couldn't see him right now.

Karin looked up at the blue sky stretching out endlessly in front of her. She smirked. He would be sky-watching, probably. Still, with her head raised looking upwards, she turned around slowly, looking around.

Hitsugaya raised an eyebrow, confused as to what Karin was doing, spinning around like that. Suddenly, he panicked, as she was turning towards him. The next thing he knew, his eyes were widened and staring straight into hers. Karin's dark eyes were also wide and surprised, meeting his icy cold ones.

They were speechless for a moment.

_Crap!! She saw me!! _Hitsugaya cursed under his breath.

Karin blinked, seemingly unsure for a moment. Then she brightened and called out to him, while running forward towards the building. "HEY!! Toushirou!!"

Hitsugaya scowled in annoyance as he got to his feet. Without glancing back at her again, he flash-stepped and sped away as fast as he could, so that when Karin looked up at the roof, there was nobody there.

---

The once bright sky was beginning to turn into a beautiful orange-lit sky. Red and purple lines streaked across it, but Hitsugaya told himself not to look up at it. He was tired. He'd run away from Karin and paused now, just at the road that led up to the hill.

Dammit!! He was so bloody exhausted. And not just from the running.

He was just so weary. He didn't understand it. Why… why was he even sent to Karakura to recover? How was he meant to recover? How did he even know he'd ever be okay again? He'd been put through hell and back already. He didn't want to be here. He didn't want to be anywhere.

He was so tired. He was so sick of everything. Of Aizen and all the crap that bastard had put him through. Of being in so much pain from Momo. He was so bloody sick of it all!!

_So why?? Why am I even here? _He looked up forlornly at the hill in front of him. He didn't want to see the beautiful sky and reminisce anymore.

His eyes hardened as he frowned. _And why the heck was she so darn happy to see me? _

Hitsugaya didn't want to see Karin. He didn't want to talk to her or answer any annoying questions. He didn't want to have to explain anything about what had happened to him or anything.

But… she wanted to see him.

Footsteps appeared behind him. He tensed.

Hitsugaya swore angrily in his mind, and ran harder up the hill. Damn, who even ran uphill like this? How stupid!! His eyes hardened in pain as the familiar railing ran alongside him, above it a beautiful view of the sky. He didn't even want to be here, up here in his place of memories.

But as he weakened and allowed himself a sideways glance of the sky, he faltered. Hitsugaya stopped and found himself in pain. Dammit, he was so, so tired. His fists were clenched so tightly his knuckles turned white and were shivering.

_What, Momo?? You're not satisfied? I came all the way here to Karakura to run away from you and the grip you have on me!! Why must you continue to follow me everywhere?? Why do you continue to torment my thoughts like this?!? _

Hitsugaya stood there, his head bowed, suffering silently.

Suddenly, the footsteps he had heard before came back, louder and more urgent than ever. They stopped behind him.

Hitsugaya whirled around angrily and prepared to yell at Karin.

But he couldn't.

She was bent over, her hands rested on her knees as she breathed heavily. Her short black hair was messed up from the run and her face was a little flushed.

Hitsugaya just stared.

Finally, Karin straightened up and looked at Hitsugaya.

Hitsugaya frowned.

"Toushirou!" she grinned at him, even though she was tired and would've been angry at him for running from her. "I finally caught up to you!"

"Why did you even bother chasing after me?" Hitsugaya said dully, avoiding her gaze.

Karin shrugged. "Dunno. Felt like it, I guess."

Hitsugaya cringed. _You just 'felt like it'?? _

"Besides," she continued, "I haven't seen you in a long time, so I wanted to catch up." Karin stepped closer and her eyes hardened as she took in the captain's appearance.

Hitsugaya didn't look at her. He hadn't wanted to meet her because he didn't want her to see. He was so sick of all the fake sympathy, all the attempts at compassion with him. He had had enough of Matsumoto and the other soul reapers trying to talk to him and comfort him. He didn't want any more sympathy.

He looked at her tiredly as she continued to look over at his weary appearance. She took in the dishevelled, limp white hair; and the slumped way he stood; the cold blue eyes that seemed somewhat distant and old; as well as the bags under his eyes, the dark purple-grey bruise-like colour under his eyes.

Karin smirked.

Hitsugaya stared at her wide-eyed.

"Dude, you look awful!!" she commented, now scowling at him. "What happened to you??"

Hitsugaya was confused as he stared at her scowling face. He hadn't expected her to react this way for his appearance like this, but actually… he kinda welcomed the change. His shoulders relaxed from the tensed-up position.

Karin grinned. It was an easygoing grin that Hitsugaya didn't understand. It was a… really happy smile. "Whatever. You're not gonna tell me anyway. I'm just glad I saw you again."

It was really hard to understand. For some reason, Karin didn't soften or offer any sympathy to what might've happened to him. Instead, she was smiling at him, seemingly relieved that he was okay. And her carefree nature, her smile seemed to thaw away at the ice encased around him.

It made him feel better. It took his mind off the things that bothered him; it seemed to take away the pain for a moment.

_It… must be nice not having to worry about anything. _He thought, _Karin, you're just a kid. Even though in soul society terms, I'm considered a kid too, I've been through so much that you can't even try to understand. You're lucky, Karin… _

But he still didn't get it. He'd been so tensed up before, suffering and not being able to bear it. Karin hadn't even said much. She'd simply told him he looked awful.

Yet somehow, Hitsugaya seemed like he'd released some of the tension within him. Like he'd been holding himself in, clenching his fists, tightening every part of his body, struggling to contain it; and then letting go and releasing himself. It felt good.

He was tired, still so bloody tired. But he'd been unable to rest before, and now it felt like he might be able to.

Hitsugaya looked at Karin. Karin blinked at him.

He felt like he was already sleep-walking. Damn, he was so tired!! But it was a different kind of weary to the kind of weariness from before. It was a more… relieved kind of tiredness.

"Toushirou?" Karin frowned now.

He muttered, "…I'm tired, Karin. I'm really… really… tired."

"Toushirou!!" Karin was alarmed, holding out her hands as he seemed to stumble towards her.

And then he collapsed.

**End Chapter Two!! Well… I'm sad to say, that chappie didn't come very easily for me. I'm not really happy with how it turned out… sorry. I hope you'll like it better than me! Please review! **


	3. Sleeping

**Disclaimer: I don't own Bleach, dammit!! **

**Chapter Three: Sleeping**

The images and figures in his vision were blurry and unrecognizable, and they grew close and then far away again. Hitsugaya was confused and he frowned as he watched the shihakusho-wearing figures drift around him.

That blurry figure over there was probably Matsumoto. And that one with the bucket over his head was Captain Komamura. That tiny one… Yachiru Kusajishi.

But why was everything so unclear here in the Seireitei? It was as though he was looking through a fogged up window or something.

Suddenly, he was aware of one person coming towards him and he was surprised. She wasn't blurry at all. And even if she was, he knew he would've recognized her from a mile away.

His heart throbbed so hard he had to breathe in hard to hold in the pain.

She had a slender figure and stood a little taller than him. She had perfect porcelain skin and moved in a gentle, drifting way. She had black hair that famed her delicate face, the rest of her hair tied up into a bun under a white cloth.

Oh, but her eyes. Why, did she have to look at him now?

Hitsugaya felt his body tighten, he clenched his hands into fists, he grit his teeth.

Her eyes were beautiful, that innocent, gentleness evident in their colour. And they stared straight at Hitsugaya with something like adoration.

"Shiro!" she smiled at him and it was as though he was being stabbed in the heart.

_Why?? Why are you doing this to me?? Don't look at me like that! _

Hitsugaya felt himself weaken as she continued to search deep into his eyes, love shining in them.

Hitsugaya faltered. He fought back a growl growing in his throat. Dammit. He'd seen this before!!

…_Momo… Don't pretend. Stop doing this to me!! Don't look at me like that when I… _

She kept staring at him, and Hitsugaya turned around in dread, already knowing.

_Don't give me any false hope… don't hurt me anymore… _

The man standing behind Hitsugaya stood tall. He wore glasses and had brown hair. And Hitsugaya knew that on the back of the man's haori was the number 5.

…_when I already know that the one you are looking at is not me. _

---

Hitsugaya's face was crumpled and twisted, as though he had eaten something incredibly bad. His already pale face was even whiter, but it had already been like that for a while now. Sweat had gathered on his forehead.

Karin yawned.

She glared with frustration at the shinigami captain occupying her bed. She stretched her arms up over her head and curled up on the chair she was sitting on.

Resting her head on her knees with a sigh, she gazed over at the white-haired shinigami. _He… looks like he's hurting. He's probably having a bad dream. _She thought. _Sheesh. I didn't even know shinigami slept, let alone have dreams. _

She watched him for a moment more, but became aware of the way his hands clutched at the sheets, so tightly the veins in his hands showed through. There was so much anguish and turmoil in his face, Karin wondered about waking him.

She settled on fixing up the sheets that were slipping, but then he woke.

Hitsugaya was shocked as he opened his eyes and sat up. He stared at the girl beside him, realized it was just Karin and then his whole body relaxed, his shoulders dropping again and his hands on the sheets loosening.

"…Toushirou…" Karin began, worriedly.

"Karin…" He began, trying to recall what had happened and how he'd ended up here, but then gave up, instead lowering his head with a heavy sigh of relief. He bowed his head and smiled weakly in relief. _I'm… so glad that was just a dream! _

He had never felt as relieved as now. To wake up from that terrifying nightmare, and then seeing that the black-haired girl beside him was Karin, and not Hinamori. And Karin, she… she was like an antidote for his pain right now. Just being here, here in the Living World, knowing that he was far away from the cause of his pain… that was enough. He'd be okay.

Hitsugaya breathed in and out repeatedly and then turned to face the wide-eyed girl next to him.

She explained, "Toushirou, you just collapsed after you told me you were tired; so I bought you back here."

Well, he'd figured that out by now.

He offered her a small weak smile. "Thanks… I… haven't been able to sleep in a long time. I guess I… feel a lot better now."

Karin stood up. "Good. 'cause I need the bed."

She huffily shooed Hitsugaya out of the bed and fell back, pulling up the sheets to her chin; breathing in his scent as she did so. Karin wrinkled her nose. "You smell." She told him bluntly.

Hitsugaya frowned at her but said nothing. He leaned against the windowsill; somehow amused by her grouchiness.

Karin turned away from him. What? Was he gonna stand there watching her sleep? Her bed still smelt like him. But it wasn't actually that bad.

No wonder she was tired, Hitsugaya thought as he gazed out the window into the dark night sky. It was late now, a little past midnight. He felt okay, not as tired, now that he had recovered from the nightmare.

"…" Karin stirred slightly from her position on the bed. Finally, she turned onto her back with a sigh and said quietly, "Hey Toushirou?"

He gazed at her, slightly surprised that she wanted to talk. "Yeah?"

She stared up at the ceiling. "You were pulling faces while you were sleeping. Were you… having a bad dream or something?"

He was silent, thinking. "…yeah."

"What happened to you back at Soul Society?" she asked, bluntly, truthfully. Images of Aizen and Momo appeared in his mind and he fought to keep the pain down inside him. Hitsugaya sighed lightly.

"A lot of things." He answered, but said nothing else.

Karin considered his words and figured out that he didn't want to say anything more. She murmured sleepily, "Will you… tell me about it someday?"

Hitsugaya watched her, surprised. For some reason his heart seemed to flutter as he looked down at the sleepy-eyed girl. His voice was balanced and controlled, yet soft. "…maybe." He said quietly. "Someday."

Karin didn't answer. She closed her eyes and turned towards Hitsugaya. Her chest under the sheets rose up and down gently as she slowly fell asleep.

Her thoughts were churning away slowly in her mind as she let herself fall asleep. They dawned on how Hitsugaya had stared at her in shock and run away from her. She thought of the changes that had happened to him since she had last seen him.

_Actually… I wanted to ask you more, Toushirou. I wanted to know what had happened to you that suddenly put you in such a state… 'cause I guess… Today I saw that you were hurting while you slept, and I… I want you to tell me 'bout it sometime… even though I probably won't understand._

Hitsugaya didn't move. He stayed still as he watched Karin's peaceful sleeping face. She had it so easy, he thought. She slept without a care in the world. And that made him smile.

He hadn't even smiled properly in a long time. And he didn't understand this warm feeling that was growing within him as he watched her.

His cold blue eyes grew distant. _I should… probably leave now. But… _Karin was like relief to him, made him forget about his own worries.

Hitsugaya struggled with his conscience for a while, wondering whether he should just leave or let himself stay here, watching her sleep. Then, he noticed that the sheets over Karin were slipping off the bed and went over to fix them.

He pulled them up to her chin and said gently, "Goodnight, Karin… Sweet dreams."

---

When Karin woke up the next morning, Hitsugaya was gone.

**End Chapter Three! I hope you liked it! Sorry that all these chapters have been so short, they'll get longer soon! I guess it's a little awkward having Karin and Hitsugaya being more unfamiliar with each other than in my other fics. Anyway, please review! ^_^ emichii**


	4. Soccer

**Thanks for all the reviews and support people!! Hope you'll enjoy the next chappie!! I hope to make them longer! Read and review!! **

**Chapter Four: Soccer **

Karin blinked as she stared through blurry eyes at the scene around her. She was tired, having not got much sleep last night. She fell back onto her bed and stared up at the ceiling as her vision cleared, taking in the light from her window.

She grumbled as she yawned sleepily. She would love to just lie there longer, but it was the weekend today, and the bright sunlight streaming in from her window was just begging her to get up. And she was a sucker for the outdoors, so she did.

Karin plodded down the stairs into the kitchen, where it was empty. Ichigo and the others were probably still snoring away in their rooms. Karin raised her head to face the sunlight coming in from the window beside her. Somehow… last night, she'd had such a sweet dream.

---

Hitsugaya felt like the beautiful day before him was too much for him to handle. _Why… why does everything have to be so bright and happy here? _He felt like yelling, what if he _wanted _to be grumpy and sulk about his problems?

Shouldn't it be grey and dreary and cold and blistery here? How about a thunderstorm? That would suit him so much better.

He wandered the streets of Karakura, in his gigai. Nobody paid any attention to him. There were barely even any people out this early on a weekend morning; everyone preferred to sleep in.

He was passing by Karakura park, where the grass was even and almost too green for him to bear. The sunlight caught the tips of the grass blades and turned the grass into a more golden colour. And caught in the sunshine, was a lone girl in the park.

Hitsugaya widened his eyes as he watched the young black-haired girl kick the ball around. She was alone, but happy.

_Karin… _he watched critically.

Hitsugaya paused uncertainly for a moment, and then began to walk towards her, softly. He stopped behind her. She sensed the spiritual pressure close to her and turned to face him.

"Hi!" she grinned, "Good morning, Toushirou!"

Hitsugaya blinked. "…hi."

They looked at each other. Hitsugaya awkwardly muttered, "You're certainly up and outside early, Karin."

"Yeah," her gaze dropped to the black and white ball at her feet. "I like the weather and the colour of the sky in early mornings like this."

…_Well, I don't. _Hitsugaya thought but didn't say.

He crossed his arms and stood, still watching as she absentmindedly juggled the ball from one foot to the other. Karin frowned slightly, feeling the awkwardness between them. She wanted to bring up what they had said last night; she still wanted to know what had happened to the once always-confident and calm Tenth Captain. She still hoped that one day he might confide in her and let her know.

Karin didn't say anything, and wordlessly kicked the ball to him.

Hitsugaya realized that she had moved backwards while she'd been juggling the soccer ball. He easily caught the ball under his foot and cautiously sent it back to her.

Karin didn't raise her eyes from the ball. Before it came to a stop before her, she stepped up and booted it to Hitsugaya again.

This time, the ball went much further and higher than before. Hitsugaya watched in surprise as it sailed high above him and went far away behind him.

Annoyance showed in his face. He glared at Karin for a moment and she smirked at him. "Whaddaya waiting for, Toushirou? Go bring it back!"

Hitsugaya threw another venomous look at the girl before running off to get the ball.

But although he was making annoyed complaints in his head, he realized that he secretly kind of enjoyed running across the grass like this. There was a light breeze brushing across his face, and it felt slightly refreshing, just racing across here in the early morning and feeling the sunlight over him.

To his surprise, his annoyance and earlier grumpiness fell away and he easily brought the ball back. When he got back towards Karin, he smirked at her and without stopping, sent a huge kick at the soccer ball so that it flew high over Karin's head in a long arc.

He watched with a kind of smug satisfaction as Karin scowled at the huge shot. But she ran backwards while the ball fell, not taking her eyes off the ball. When the ball came down, she ran backwards even faster, then jumped up and gave it a header.

The ball bounced off her head, into the air and then fell to the ground just metres from her feet. Karin smiled sheepishly.

Without a word, she stretched her arms out and let herself fall back into the soft grass behind her. Hitsugaya stared as he quietly made his way towards her.

Karin lay back in the grass and shielded her eyes from the sun as she squinted up at the sky. She was happy.

Hitsugaya sat down next to her and let himself glance at the sky he once loved. He sighed deeply and then lowered his gaze. Before… just running around like that and feeling the refreshing breeze around him… he'd felt more relaxed and happier than ever. But now that he'd stopped, the never-ending pain and memories of _her _had caught up to him, and it hurt like hell.

Karin watched Hitsugaya secretly as he stared down at the grass. When he raised his head a little and began to speak, she immediately looked away.

"…hey, Karin?" he said.

A little surprised, she answered, "Yeah?"

Not looking at her, he asked, kind of wearily, "When you have problems or things worrying you, what do you about them?"

She was still surprised. Karin blinked. "…actually… most of the time, I keep them to myself."

They were quiet for a moment.

Karin lay back, her hands under her head. "It's annoying sometimes- not telling people… but it's okay. It's not like I wanna bother Stupid Old Dad, who wouldn't understand anything; or Yuzu, who's busy enough always helping out at home and stuff. And Ichi-nii, who's obviously taking responsibility for every Hollow there is out here in Karakura. So yeah… I just… keep it in."

Hitsugaya considered her truthful words in silence.

"But, y'know," Karin went on thoughtfully, suddenly sitting up straight. "Sometimes, what I do to get rid of whatever's bugging me is take the soccer ball out to the school field and boot it at the goal a coupla times. And I'll kick it really hard, over and over, just to get the annoyance and suffering out. Like, for example, when I'm pissed off at my dad, I'll pretend the goal is his face and kick the ball in it a few times!"

Hitsugaya hid a laugh badly. _…I can't believe how immature she is!! _He raised his head and stared out at the scenery in front of him with something like relief in his eyes.

Karin threw a frown at him. "What?"

"Nothing… you just said it really childishly."

Karin flushed with annoyed embarrassment for a moment. She recovered and said, "Well, what do _you_ do when you have problems or stuff worrying you?"

Hitsugaya fell into silence.

Karin was quiet for a moment, observing him.

"I… don't know." He said quietly. "It's not like I tell people about it either."

_Because… if I'm having trouble handling it myself… if I'm already struggling to shoulder this torment alone… how can I possibly explain it to somebody else without collapsing or breaking down completely? _

"…but it's hard facing stuff alone," Karin said bluntly, though she was referring to herself.

He looked at her, slight surprise in his tired blue-green eyes.

Karin muttered, a little embarrassed as she stared at the ground. "Ya know, I'm sure there are people who are willing to listen if you really feel like spilling," she looked up at him and smiled a small smile. "…though I think… you're already getting a little bit better, Toushirou…"

"…really?"

Karin grinned honestly. "Yeah!"

Hitsugaya did actually feel a little better. He was still weary and somewhat exhausted, and his heart constantly throbbed from the horrible rejection he'd suffered, but he knew that the burdens he'd been bearing had gotten lighter. And if he'd looked into a mirror, he'd be able to see that past the dishevelled appearance, there was a little spark of colour returning to his eyes.

"Anyway," Karin got up on her feet. "I'm gonna have to get home now. Yuzu's probably up now and wondering where I am." She rolled the ball up onto her foot and kicked it upwards into her hands.

Hitsugaya also stood up. Karin looked at him uncertainly. Then she started to turn away from him.

"…I guess I'll see ya some time then, Toushirou."

"…see you, Karin."

He watched her grin and run off from the park and down the street. And for some reason, even after she had gone, he kept standing there and gazing at the spot where she had been.

---

He felt himself losing the tight grip he had on himself. The lid on all his carefully concealed and shoved away emotions was loosening. He frowned as he weakened and let himself stare up at the magnificent sky in front of him, his heart hurt as he thought of the girl he knew he would think of.

_This morning… something changed. I can be certain of that. _

_Apparently… I'm getting better… slowly. And inside… I feel like something inside me has lightened up, like I've dropped a little of the weights on my back. Momo… am I… slowly beginning to heal from these wounds I thought would never go? _

_But… _Hitsugaya's icy eyes dropped from the sky and hardened at the horizon in front of him. _I'm unsure…_

_Because… while surely something has changed within me… I feel like I'm falling. I'm afraid… because I think I might be making a big mistake._

He closed his eyes shut tightly and clenched his hands into fists, recalling the strange way he'd stared after Karin as she left.

_I feel like I don't know what's happening… like I might be recovering… or I might be sinking and falling deeper than ever… And now I really don't know… if I will ever… truly be okay again._

**Thanks for reading!! Hope you enjoyed the longer chapter this week!! ^_^ It was longer, right? emichii. **


	5. Liking Someone?

**Bleach does not belong to me. If it did, then Hitsu and Karin would already be together by now! Here's chapter 5!! Read, enjoy and review! ^_^**

**Chapter Five: Liking Someone? **

Hitsugaya saw that the light was beginning to rise up from the darkness surrounding Karakura. He squinted his eyes slightly as he watched the brilliant light lit up the sky. He was solemn as he began to turn away. _It's morning. Time to go. _

He turned his head for just one second to let himself sneak a look through the window. And then Hitsugaya Toushirou left the Karakura household, his careful movement leaving only a flutter of Karin's bedroom window curtains.

---

Karin laughed and joked with her friends during lunch break. They always had a lot of fun, mainly playing soccer and sometimes deliberately making trouble for the entire school community, though more often the former rather than the latter.

Karin was smiling as she easily kicked the ball of one of the boys. She was heading over towards them when she heard two of the guys talking to each other quietly, both with frowns on their faces, and looking kind of annoyed.

"Honestly! What does he think he's doing?"

"Would he just stop looking at her already?"

"Seriously! He's like a stalker!!"

Karin blinked at her friends. "What's wrong?" she asked, frowning.

The two boys turned to her with frustration written all over their faces. They pointed to the figure in the distance and yelled simultaneously, "Kurosaki, would you _please _do something about this guy following you around?!?"

---

They had a point. Hitsugaya stared out at all of them from his spot on the school roof. His forehead screwed up delicately in annoyance. For crying out loud, that boy hiding behind that tree watching Karin was driving him crazy!

The boy seemed casual, looking over at Karin; seemingly so suave and sure of himself. Around him were a few other guys as well as a whole bunch of girls squealing over him. It wasn't hard to see that the boy was a popular one, king-of-the-school type student.

But this bothered Karin's group of friends, who didn't want anything to do with the other boy and his crowd.

Hitsugaya stayed quiet from above the school scene. He was faintly amused by whatever might be happening down there, but he kept frowning, for some reason… troubled.

Jun, the boy leaning against the tree stood suddenly and began to make his way across the soccer field, heading towards Karin and her friends. Following him was his long trail of faithful companions.

Karin's friends shot each other annoyed glances, whispering to each other over what they should do. Finally, one of the guys, Donny, grabbed Karin's arm and started to pull her away from the approaching crowd. The rest of Karin's friends left hurriedly with them.

Karin just looked confused and pissed off.

Suddenly, the boy named Jun called out to Karin's group and ran a few steps towards them. Karin's friends all scowled and shot death-glares at the boy. But Jun just smiled gently and charmingly, saying something and making motions with his hands.

Hitsugaya couldn't hear what the two groups were saying between them, but he guessed it all had something to do with Karin.

Hitsugaya's icy blue eyes looked down at the kids below him.

The boy with the charming smile. Jun. _He likes her. _

Karin's friends, sending death-glares. _They hate his guts. _

Karin, tapping her foot absentmindedly on the ground and with a scowl on her face. _She couldn't care less._

Suddenly, Hitsugaya's heart began beating rapidly out of his chest. Frustrated he shook his head hard to snap out of it, the same time realizing that his face was getting warm. _This is really bad… for some reason… I'm actually kinda relieved that Karin doesn't care about that guy._

He looked down at Jun, who was gazing somewhat longingly at Karin, while she and her friends left. _But… I guess he really does like her. _

---

"Oi!! Toushirou!!"

Hitsugaya looked down to the speaker standing in front of the Kurosaki house. He was sitting on the roof, enjoying the cool night air, and pondering about the random childish event that happened to Karin and her classmates today. He knew it wasn't any of his business, but it took his mind off his own problems.

"…hi Karin," he said emotionlessly.

He watched as Karin surveyed the roof and then ran around and managed to find a way to scramble up onto the roof. She cheerfully sat down beside her friend.

Karin looked around her at the darkened sky and felt the chilly air rush past her. She was quiet, looking thoughtful and then looked over at Hitsugaya.

He was very still and silent.

"…are you feeling okay, Toushirou?"

He didn't reply. He didn't feel too tired, he was actually okay. He didn't know how he appeared to Karin or anyone else, had no idea if he still looked like crap and was all bedraggled and weary-looking.

Just… thinking.

"…I saw you today at your school," he said suddenly.

Karin blinked in surprise. "Yeah?"

Hitsugaya stared out dully into the street. Then the corner of his mouth curled up into a teasing smirk. "Looks like you've become the object of someone's affections, Karin."

Karin scowled angrily, face turning red. "Give it a rest, will you? I've heard enough of it from everyone in my grade today, thanks!"

Hitsugaya's slight smirk stretched wider into a smile.

Karin continued frowning but looked with surprise at Hitsugaya.

He almost chuckled. "Well… just watching you and all your friends and classmates… behaving so light-heartedly and messing around without a care in the world… I'm a little envious, I guess."

"What?" Karin joked. "Do _you _like Jun now?"

Hitsugaya shot her a hideous look and she laughed.

"…I don't… want to like anyone for a long, long time to come," he murmured quietly.

"Well, me neither," said Karin, not looking at him.

They sat in awkward silence for a moment, having let such an unusual topic come up. Then Karin asked, honestly, "Have you ever liked someone before?"

Hitsugaya didn't answer her question. "Have _you_?"

Karin leant back and looked upwards at the dark blue sky above her. "No… I don't really get what the point of it is."

Hitsugaya smiled coldly. "Good. Keep it that way."

Karin raised her eyebrows quizzically, "What? Are you giving me advice as a wise old man or something?"

"Karin!" Hitsugaya snapped, "I'm being serious here!"

She was quiet for a moment and then grinning devilishly, went on, "Hey, you didn't answer my question before! Did _you_ used to like someone?"

The temperature around them suddenly seemed to drop and the chill rushing past them made them both shiver a little.

He considered telling her. He considered not saying a thing. How was he meant to tell her anyway? Karin was so different from him; she saw things differently from him! Momo… the girl he'd done everything for… she was the one who tore him apart!

And Karin, who hadn't even figured out the "liking someone" thing, would never understand that a girl was the reason for his deterioration.

He sighed almost unnoticeably.

"_Ya know, I'm sure there are people who are willing to listen if you really feel like spilling," _He remembered Karin's words yesterday and her slight frown as she tried to hide the light redness in her cheeks for saying something slightly sentimental.

"…yeah. I… liked someone." He whispered.

But Karin didn't laugh or tease him about it. She herself was surprise that she didn't. Because, he was Hitsugaya, for crying out loud! He was the icy cold and always cool Tenth Captain! Surely, it was meant to be funny if he liked somebody!! But… she didn't pay him out for it.

'cause she could see the way his face fell slightly as he said it. And she heard the awkwardness of his voice as he said it. His voice was slightly hoarse and cracked slightly on the last syllable, and she knew that Hitsugaya was being serious and truthful to her for once.

And hadn't she once wanted to know about him? She'd wanted to know why he was in such a state and had to come here to ol' Karakura for recovery. Because she really… really… cared for him and wanted to know what was up.

Still… her face tightened and she felt almost repelled by him now. She was in shock. _What? Are you serious?? _The way he sounded so sad, the way his facial expressions dropped… _You came all the way here to recover… the reason you're all depressed and weary and looking like crap… all of that… is because you LIKED someone?!? _

Karin glared at nothing in particular as she shuddered. Hitsugaya looked at her, faintly amused.

She glowered at the darkness. "So… you liked someone and you got all depressed about it? If that's what happened, then I see even more reason not to understand this whole 'love' business. I don't… I don't wish to ever _like _somebody!" she said, eyes hardened and completely seriously.

"Heh," Hitsugaya sniggered. Then he looked out over into the street. "…nah, Karin… it… wasn't just 'cause of that."

His blue eyes tightened as he thought of that bastard Aizen who used Momo and manipulated her to his every whim. He wanted to swear as he remembered the way she still wanted to forgive him, still would love him even though he was so obviously evil and repulsive.

Karin shrugged as she continued frowning. "So… what actually happened?? If… it wasn't just 'cause of her…" she looked over at Hitsugaya with darkened eyes, "…what happened to you that put you in such a state?"

Hitsugaya didn't want to say anything else. "…Maybe I'll tell you some other time."

Karin wanted to whine about his stubbornness but didn't. She smiled lightly to herself when she was sure he wasn't watching. Even though… it was kinda strange what Hitsugaya had confessed to her today, even though she didn't entirely understand it and she still didn't really know what had happened to poor Toushirou… she was happy because he opened up to her, even though it was just a little.

"You know what I've decided, Toushirou?" Karin said, suddenly sitting up straighter.

"What?"

"I won't ever let myself fall in love with anyone!" she declared.

"Seriously?" he said dryly, "What about poor Jun?"

She pulled a face at him.

Hitsugaya wondered why inside, he felt a lot lighter. Even though he'd barely told her anything, he felt so much better, like at least he'd dropped some of the weights and secrets on his back.

He gazed over at Karin sitting beside him, who was trying to hide a yawn.

Hitsugaya said, "Karin, it's late and getting cold out here. Go to bed, okay?"

"I'm not tired!" Karin shot back.

"Yeah you are! And you're cold, aren't you?" Hitsugaya retorted.

Karin muttered under her breath as she slowly began to get to her feet.

Hitsugaya didn't take his eyes off her while she reluctantly climbed down from the rood and stood there on the ground, staring up at him.

"…where are you gonna go?" she muttered in annoyance, stifling another yawn.

"I'll be around here."

Karin flushed in embarrassment as she scuffed the top of her shoe against the ground. "Just don't… don't go too far away, 'kay?" she murmured.

He nodded silently, wide-eyed.

---

She walked around to her open bedroom window so she could sneak in without letting anyone else know she'd crept outside. And she paused there for a moment.

It was silent up on the roof. She glanced up for a second to see that Hitsugaya was not looking and then stepped back to gaze at him before going inside.

He sat there, in the same position as before, his arms rested on his knees, icy blue eyes raised up into the never-ending dark blue sky.

And Karin let herself watch him in silence. Suddenly, she felt the unfamiliar feeling in her stomach. It… kinda hurt. And she tore her eyes away from him, cursing at herself as she climbed inside her room. But even as she looked away, she felt her heart tear a little again.

Karin stood, her back to the open window, her eyes wide. She was horrified.

_I know… I know that I just said I would never fall in love. I know that I've never liked anyone. I know that I never understood what it was all about… but… _

_I think… I'm just beginning to understand. _

**End Chapter Five! **

**I did it!! I can't believe I pulled it off! I had plans with Jun and how to incorporate him into this fic, but I wasn't so proud of that beginning section with Karin and her friends and his group. Still… this chapter turned out well by the end! So I'm very glad! ^_^ I hope you guys are happy with this as well! Please review! emichii **


	6. Looking Back

**I don't own Bleach! ^_^ Sorry for the late update everybody! Please read and review! **

**Chapter Six: Looking Back**

Hinamori Momo had always smiled at him with that gentle smile, but it was only with the affection she'd show a friend or a family member. He had thought it would be okay and that it would be no big deal, until he realized the different way she acted around her company captain.

Around Aizen, it was always a little different with her. She still smiled and acted in that shy and delicate way, but her adoration and obsession for him was obvious in her voice, the eager way she responded to everything he said. And how her eyes sparkled at his quiet laugh and all that.

It drove Hitsugaya crazy.

Always "Aizen-sama this" and "Aizen-sama that"… as if it wasn't already killing him inside slowly and tearing him apart by just watching the childhood friend he had fallen for.

But then Aizen played a cruel trick on them all. Every single one of them. Even his ever faithful devoted assistant captain.

His body hanging on that wall, the sword spearing it through, the blank dull stare of his brown eyes, the blood trailing down the white building, staining Soul Society forever. The death of the Aizen Sosuke they thought they all knew.

And she hurt the most out of all of them. Hinamori cried the most, and was the one to discover her beloved's murdered corpse. She was inconsolable and wouldn't see anyone, nor talk to anyone, not even Hitsugaya. She didn't seem to really recover.

And then… Hinamori chose to believe that Hitsugaya had killed Aizen, thus chasing after him to exact revenge and kill him.

Then… He returned. Aizen. He revealed to his wide-eyed futaichou and then the rest of Soul Society the terrifying plan he'd been carrying out for the past years. Everything he had told him, everything they knew about him, a lie.

And he stabbed Momo Hinamori, who then fell into a coma.

Ah, but that's not all…

Even with Hitsugaya's long suffering worry and care for her, she told him- her eyes and voice still full of love for that bastard Aizen, she told him that she forgave Aizen. She asked him not to hurt him, not to kill him even for all the crap he'd put them all through. And it was so friggin' sickly sweet with love she spoke of him.

Hitsugaya might as well have killed himself that night.

---

He stood where he always stood, his back to the window, and the breeze from the open windows making the curtains in the room billow slightly. He wore his shihakusho, so that nobody else would be able to see him, not that there should be anyone awake in Karakura at this time.

Hitsugaya's icy blue eyes gazed at the sleeping form in front of him. The faint moonlight from outside slipped in from the window and cast an eerie light over part of the room. He smiled bitterly to himself.

Over the time he had been here, this last week or so… perhaps… he had recovered a little. Maybe… after all the hurt and suffering, after he'd bit his lip and shut himself off obsessively, to the point of not speaking to even Matsumoto… all that time and effort spent to secretly hide and nurse his wounds, even though they seemed like they wouldn't heal… all the time spent covering them and layering more and more bandages tightly over himself, around and around so that his hurt and pain would never be revealed or seen again.

Even though… he knew that if he never removed those invisible bandages, he'd never be able to heal.

Even so… it was not his intention to let go of any of this suffering, but somehow, somewhere in his heart, it was lighter, less burdened, however little it may be, and he knew there was something that had been lifted.

And yet…

Hitsugaya watched the black-haired girl sleeping, her breathing light. He hardened his eyes.

Somewhere else in his heart, it was still hurting, perhaps more than before. Like although he had found some kind of relief, some kind of recovery, it could only be temporary. And over time… maybe the weight still buried inside him would collapse and tear him apart, no matter how hard he tried to hold it in and cover it up… maybe… even after all these good little signs and hope… he would still break down.

Perhaps… he was unable to tear his eyes from her face. Perhaps he should leave.

But instead, Hitsugaya sighed sank onto the floor, in the space between her bed and the wall. He was weary, but not actually physically tired. He was brain-dead, but the thoughts continued to move through his head.

_I shouldn't… keep doing this, _he had told himself over and over. Why had he done this? Why did he so enjoy standing here, or sitting, right here in Karin Kurosaki's room, watching the young girl sleep?

He… should feel guilty. Because… all along… yes, all along, the only reason he started doing this every night…!! It was just because…

It was what he used to do with Momo.

Because she was comatose and unconscious, he spent… so much time just standing there watching that girl, despite how much his division was suffering under his depression. Why… why was he still letting himself do this? Stand there and watch someone who will never raise her head and look back at him.

Hitsugaya gritted his teeth in his thoughts. Just doing this… was only meant to multiply his pain. He was that kind of twisted depressed person who wanted to stand there and soak in his misery. That was who he was.

Karin stirred in her sleep and turned, so that now she was facing him. Hitsugaya stared at her and found a pang in his heart, somehow staring at her, with this… emotion bursting forward in his heart. He couldn't help it. He smiled.

He really, truly smiled, even though the pain was so, so visible on his lips. He smiled, his mouth stretched and the bitterness and hopelessness was confused on his face.

She always made him smile. Even though half the time he hid it behind a smirk or just openly teased her for her childishness. Somehow, the time spent with her… her carefree personality, her childish immaturity and stubbornness… it relaxed him. And even though this watching her while she slept thing was meant to be some kind of way for him to rot in his misery, now he looked over her while she slept because… he wanted to protect her, kind of. He just wanted the peace of knowing that at least she was someone who could sleep with no worries.

He thought back on the many things he had faced back in Soul Society, the reasons why he was here to 'recover'. He lowered his eyes and sighed lightly.

_Karin… I… _He raised his head again and looked at her.

He whispered, "…I'll tell you someday."

Suddenly, Karin moved again. Hitsugaya wasn't surprised. He'd watched over her sleeping and knew that it wasn't unusual for her to roll around. But then he noticed, and the surprise and shock swept over his face.

Karin was frowning in her sleep, her face scrunched up, her mouth turned downwards as though she was in the middle of a nightmare. She looked like she was so terrified and hurting at the same time.

This made Hitsugaya's eyes widen. It wasn't meant to be like this. She wasn't meant to be having nightmares or dreaming of unpleasant things. That was what he did. She was meant to have no troubles, no horrific past torturing her, always sporting her mischievous grin.

He was worried now, searching her tortured face urgently for any sign of relief.

_Karin… _he almost wanted to reach over and shake her awake, tell her it was okay and that it was only a dream, but found that he didn't have to.

She woke up suddenly and instead of freezing and trying to be invisible, he breathed a soft sigh of relief to himself, watching her nonchalantly.

Karin sat up and breathed deeply, in and out a few times. The girl lifted a hand and brushed away messed-up black hair from in front of her eyes and then looked forlornly towards the window.

He was always watching someone who never looked back at him.

Then suddenly, she looked back.

"Toushirou?" her eyes were wide and surprised, but then immediately she smiled a full, heartfelt smile at him. "You're here!"

_You don't have to look so darn delighted to see me, you know. _He watched her with a seemingly bored expression from his seat on the floor. "Uh huh," he grunted in reply.

They were silent for a moment and he was surprised at how she seemed to have recovered so quickly from whatever kind of dream she was having.

"…hey," he said suddenly.

"Yeah?" she blinked at him.

"Did you have a bad dream?"

Karin smiled sheepishly. "Yeah," she said, "But it's over now, so it's okay!"

He recalled last time when their roles were reversed, and he was the one in the bed with the nightmare, and she the one asking about it.

"…what was it about?" he asked, after a moment of thought.

Karin stared at him and slowly her face paled before it flushed with embarrassment. "Nothing!! It's stupid!" she snapped, angry.

Hitsugaya wasn't sure whether to be worried about her or just diss her for being so embarrassed about being scared over a 'stupid' dream.

"Are you ever gonna tell me what it was about?" he asked.

"No, I'm not." Karin replied bluntly, scowling.

They were silent, but Hitsugaya noticed the way Karin stared down at the sheets. Her eyes were darkened and her face still troubled. It was fading back into his normal colour from the slight redness from before. Whatever it was, even though she said it was stupid, he knew that it actually really worried her.

"Go back to sleep, Karin," he said, "Or else you'll be tired for school tomorrow."

She frowned at him. "Why is it that whenever I try to talk to you, you're always telling me to go to sleep?"

He shrugged. "It doesn't always happen."

She looked grumpy.

They half-stared, half-glared at each other for a minute. His icy-blue eyes seemed to have lost the always tired look and had the energy to fire back at hers. She glared in annoyance straight back at the captain.

She lost, and with irritation, fell back and pulled the covers over her face.

He was slightly annoyed that he couldn't see her face, but wouldn't mention it.

The amusement was obvious in his voice as he tried to fight back the smile that he knew would appear on his face. "Goodnight, Karin."

"Hmph," was the only muffled reply from her. But she turned away from her and looked out a little opening from her blankets, looking out into the darkness before squeezing her eyes tight. She fought the blush quickly spreading over her face and told herself she would never let him know just how glad she really was to see him nearby.

---

He was starting to get really concerned however.

Because even though over these last few weeks, it was her, it was Karin Kurosaki who managed to make him smile again. And he could feel the weights slowly releasing themselves from the pain in his heart, but at the same time, he felt the dread slowly growing within him.

He couldn't run from the suffering and torment that seemed destined to follow him no matter wherever he went. Surely, even though the relief he had right now was enough to make him relax a bit, he knew it was only a matter of time.

He wasn't sure what it was exactly, but the carefully wrapped invisible bandages tightened around him… might choke him soon. Even though it seemed like he was recovering, inside he felt the pain ache again.

And Hitsugaya knew…

He was on the final countdown. There was only so long to go before he really and truly broke down, never to be the same again.

All because…

For so long he'd been the one who silently watched over the girl who never saw him.

All because… this time… she'd actually looked back at him.

**To be continued in chapter seven!! I hope you enjoyed this! Yeah, the roles certainly were reversed, eh? This time it was Karin with the nightmare, and as for what it was about, I'm sure it's not that hard to work out. I pretty much gave it away back then. Still… in case you missed it, I'll tell you next week!! Sorry for keeping you guys waiting by the way!! ^_^ Please review!! **


	7. Confused

**Well… here's chapter seven!! I hope you enjoy! Heh! Thankyou for all the reviews, everybody! There seems to be a sudden increase in readers of this fanfic, which is a good thing! Hurray! Please read and review! ^_^ **

**Chapter Seven: Confused **

Once Karin had a dream.

She woke up one morning, in her bed. And her bedroom window was slightly slid open. The morning breeze had been blowing in and the curtains had been ruffling slightly. The sunlight had been streaming in through to her room and she sat up in bed, slightly disoriented.

Everything was normal. Just an average normal day.

"Karin!! Hey, Karin, are you okay?" Her twin sister Yuzu's voice calling into her bedroom.

"ICHIGOOO!!"

BAM! CRASH!! WHACK!

"You stupid father!!"

"Ouch!!"

And her older brother and father, doing their daily ritual of beating each other up and bickering.

Just… a normal day.

But she felt it so clearly in her gut. So lost in her confusion, unsure whether she was in real life or in her dreams; yet she still felt the horror tightening inside her and around her.

Something… was wrong…!!

As it usually is like in dreams, immediately she was up and out of bed, suddenly out in the streets of Karakura, running around like a maniac, still dressed in her pyjamas.

_Something's wrong!! Something is horribly, horribly wrong!! _

The thought burst through her mind repeatedly and her whole body was nervous, continually trembly and seemingly numb as she ran desperately, not even knowing where she was headed or where she wanted to go.

She looked and raced around her house repeatedly. She looked inside her bedroom window, up on the roof of the house and went all the way down to the Inoue household. She ran around to Karakura park and near the fields next to her school. She even went all the way down to Urahara Shoten, still not exactly knowing what she was looking for.

She ran even faster and faster and the urgent horror and worry inside her grew deeper and deeper. She was exhausted and yet she couldn't stop running around, searching.

She found her brother and suddenly burst out, surprised with the despair in her own voice, "Where's Toushirou??"

He stared at her strangely. "Who?" he frowned.

She scowled at the annoying orange-haired teenager. "Toushirou, stupid!! You know, _Captain Hitsugaya_!!"

His eyes darkened as he stared at her strangely again. "I don't know anyone called Toushirou or Hitsugaya."

_I can't find him!! I don't know where he is!! He… Toushirou isn't here!! _

She found herself back where she started, in her room, watching the too-bright sunlight streaming in from her slightly open window, and the curtains ruffling in the breeze.

_Even Ichi-nii doesn't know who Toushirou is! And I can't… I can't find him anywhere!!_

She sank down into her bed, suddenly aware of the way her heart was thumping, tiredly, loudly, heavily. Her dark eyes widened with realization as she stared at the floor, suddenly widening her mouth into a cheerless grin.

_Oh… of course. He's not here. I bet he left. _

_Gone somewhere else. It's not surprising at all. _

_Maybe I'm just going crazy… 'cause nobody else knows who he is but me…!_

_I… _

Hitsugaya Toushirou had left.

And there was no sign, no evidence at all left that he'd even been here before. Of course… he was just a shinigami… with some issues… sent down here to recover…

…and he got better and left.

She found herself smiling bitterly at the carpet beneath her feet.

But even though she had come to terms with his absence, her heart seemed to be tearing and aching uncontrollably.

And to her absolute horror, she saw the little droplets hitting her feet and the carpet, leaving the wet spots there. And she stared wide-eyed, shocked, and yet the tears kept falling.

---

Hitsugaya Toushirou was walking next to Karin as she walked to school. He was not in his gigai, so nobody else could see him there.

She was yawning as she walked; her schoolbag slung over one shoulder. Gah, she was tired.

Hitsugaya hid a smile to himself as he thought of the surprised expression on her face when she woke up in the middle of the night to see him sitting there on the floor, beside her bed.

The way she looked back. And her eyes were widened and surprised, but almost immediately an absolutely delighted smile came onto her face.

Hitsugaya sighed an inaudible sigh to himself. He stared down at the ground and relaxed his shoulders as he heard the sounds of the school rise up around him. The students ran around and milled around in their little groups, talking and shouting to each other.

Suddenly, he heard the footsteps as Karin's group of friends came running towards her. He watched on with amusement as the boys called out to her.

"Hey, Kurosaki!!" one of the boys waved.

They gathered around their star soccer player, ignoring Hitsugaya of course, considering he was invisible.

Karin and her friends talked and chatted for a bit, laughing and once again, Hitsugaya smiled to himself. She was so lucky. They all were. So… carefree… nothing to worry about at all.

"…Kurosaki."

The atmosphere suddenly stopped cold and everything was silent. The aura around Karin's friends was especially harsh and threatening as all four of them turned to glare at the arriving boy.

"What?" Karin blinked; the slow one as she noticed the others turning away from her with deadly glares on their faces.

Jun and his groupies were heading towards them.

Seeing the glares that Karin's friends were shooting him, even Jun looked a bit nervous. As he came closer, he asked, "Uhh… could I talk to you please, Kurosaki?"

Karin's friends continued glaring at him.

"…maybe… in private?" Jun asked, smiling weakly.

Karin frowned as her friends muttered to each other and then walked off a little. Karin became nervous suddenly as she looked around and saw that everybody else had moved away and it was only her and Jun standing there.

She looked over to where her invisible shinigami companion had been before. Their eyes met.

She was surprised.

His icy cold eyes held her gaze for what seemed like ages. They were somewhat amused and challenging, and his mouth was curved in what seemed like an uncaring smirk.

She stared at him wide-eyed, almost desperate for help because she was so confused and unsure of what was going on.

"…Kurosaki?" The handsome boy Jun tilted his head sideways, wondering why Karin was staring off somewhere else.

And before Karin turned back to face him, she watched Hitsugaya turn from her and walk away.

---

"_Kurosaki… I… I really like you. Will you… go out with me?" _

---

Ha. Stupid.

Hitsugaya left the school, his back turned to all the students and their trivial matters. He smiled to himself, wondering about how he'd suddenly got into the habit of doing that recently.

_Karin… You're such a moron…_

_Why don't you just… get together with him already?_

**End Chapter Seven!! Well… that was a difficult chapter to write. Because I got distracted by watching Ouran High Host Club and because it was a really… "filler" chapter. Kinda. Well… please review!! emichii! ^_^ **


	8. Countdown to Disaster

**Well hey everybody! A little hassled right now because I can read all of your fantastic reviews but I can't reply or login to fanfic because of a technical glitch or something. So… let's hope by coming Saturday I'll be able to update as usual, eh? Here's chapter 8! Read and review! ^_^**

"_Kurosaki… I… I really like you. Will you… go out with me?" _

**Chapter Eight: Countdown to Disaster **

"Toushirou,"

He looked down from his seat on the roof of the Karakura clinic. Ichigo's black-haired younger sister stood there, staring up at him. The icy-cold Tenth Captain met her gaze steadily and they were silent as they stared at each other.

The atmosphere between them was so awkward and uncomfortable. It was strange.

Normally, Karin had a relaxed and cheerful smile on her face, especially whenever she looked at Hitsugaya. He had been slightly concerned about that in fact, the way her face brightened up whenever he was around. But now any hint or trace of a smile was gone from her face.

Instead, Karin's expression was hard and bitter. Her brown eyes were dark and harsh.

Hitsugaya met her expression with no problem. His icy cold eyes were hard and his facial expression one of cool casual boredom.

This went on for a couple more seconds and then Karin tore her gaze away from him and glowered at the ground in anger. Her hard composure slipped and her face scrunched up angrily as she demanded, "Why did you do it?"

Hitsugaya continued to stare at her, coldly, silently.

Karin's voice was unsteady, rising higher in her anger. "Toushirou, you know how much I don't like this 'dating' and 'liking' business! Why did you have to walk away and leave me alone with Jun?"

Karin wrenched her face from the ground and stared at him with intensity. And at that very moment, Hitsugaya realized.

"…hey," he said at last. "It's not like I would've been any help."

Karin crossed her arms tightly across her chest. "…I didn't know what to do, Toushirou!"

Hitsugaya sighed silently to himself. Wearily, he heaved himself up to his feet and then leapt down onto the road.

Standing there, watching Karin critically, he spoke again, "That boy Jun likes you. What's wrong with that?"

"I don't…" she trailed off, uncertain.

Hitsugaya turned and looked out down the street absentmindedly. "From what I've seen, he must be a pretty cool guy at your school, right? It seems that all the girls like him and he's very popular. And he's… nice to you and you find him good-looking, yeah?"

Karin grunted slightly in reply.

Hitsugaya looked at Karin questioningly. "So what's the problem?"

Karin sighed lightly and the scowl vanished from her face. She turned away from him, as though she was about to speak, and walked off slowly down the road, eyes worriedly searching the ground, thinking hard.

Hitsugaya watched her move away from him. Slowly, he followed after her as she finally slowed down around the corner, at Karakura park. Karin still hadn't said another word. She made her way to the swings and sat down, just staring at her feet resting on the ground.

"…Karin," he said.

Karin sighed, pushing off and starting to build up height as she swung.

Hitsugaya sat down on the swing beside her.

She slowed down to an even pace, swinging back and forth, back and forth.

Finally she looked at him and said, "Tell me about the person you liked."

"Why?" he asked carefully.

She shrugged. "You promised. You said someday."

Hitsugaya felt his heart grow heavy. Ah, and he'd been doing so well these last few days. He'd peeked at himself in the mirror and seen that at least the bags under his eyes were getting better and the dullness of his blue-green eyes was disappearing. Sure, he… still very rarely slept but that was okay. He didn't really need the sleep since he wasn't doing anything tiring here in Karakura.

He couldn't help the way his heart cringed. It was bad. It seemed to be foretelling something, as though it was telling him things would get worse, trouble was coming. Hitsugaya ignored the way his heart fell as he stared away from Karin.

"There's nothing to say."

She slowed straight down and stopped the swing. Tightening her fingers over the chains, she glared at him. "Toushirou, you owe me for ditching me yesterday."

They glowered at each other.

He gave up. "She didn't like me back, okay? Enough said."

And he swung his legs, moving the swing up higher and higher.

But it wasn't hard to miss the way his voice broke halfway in his sentence. And it was obvious reading the pain in his eyes as he spoke, how he tried to hide it by glancing away at that very moment.

"Well, why should I bother dating Jun then? It's not like anything good ever comes out of liking anybody." Karin muttered.

"At least he likes you!" Hitsugaya practically hissed, and Karin was startled at the slight anger in his tone.

"You like him, right?" he went on, his voice getting louder. "All the girls in your grade like him! Surely, you do too!"

Hitsugaya went on, "I've been watching out for him and from what I've seen… he really does like you. He seems honest and he looks like he'll really care for you. I wouldn't… worry about him or anything," he sent her a careful smile and she stared at him, wide-eyed in amazement.

And Hitsugaya knew all that, because well… he felt like he had to. After this last week, his time in Karakura, spending his days wandering and thinking, spending his nights watching over Karin sleep… something had happened.

He couldn't help it. At times, even though there was nobody there to see it, he found that he watched over her tenderly, and that he could not help the smile that would appear on his face.

It was a bit like responsibility to him. If Ichigo were to find out about Jun, then he would bankai that poor kid before he even got a word in. But Hitsugaya, he… he wanted Karin to have a chance.

And sure, she was a kid, but that made it all the better. When you're a carefree kid, when you're meant to have an easy going life, just with school and crazy family, you should be free to love, right?

A… carefree childish love was something he himself had not been blessed with.

Not when he was the Tenth Company Captain with so much weight and responsibility heaped onto his shoulders.

Maybe he had made a mistake telling her about how he'd liked a girl, that night on the roof. Karin was already… a lot more mature than the other kids around her. She had the knowledge of shinigami and Hollows, she bore what happened to her mother and was yet to know the truth about her father.

And Hitsugaya had put her off the idea of 'love' before she'd even understood it.

"_I won't ever let myself fall in love with anyone!"_

Hitsugaya smiled at himself, a small smile, in memory of her stubborn words.

He was different. There was no such thing as just a childish crush, or maybe a devoted liking. He had really… and truly fallen for Hinamori Momo. And with that falling, came the crashing.

So… he'd always been around, watching over Karin and her friends, looking at the way Jun blushed whenever she passed, seeing the way he struggled to gather up the courage to ask her out.

She should… be able to understand it. She should know that surely there was an upside to love.

Even though Hitsugaya himself didn't know what it was.

As Hitsugaya broke away from his thoughts, he realized that Karin was still, sitting there on the swing, still staring at him critically.

And as he hid the smirk attempting to appear, he noticed that his heart was feeling very light, very relaxed and without worries. He felt as though he was all right, as though everything was okay. As though, the time here in Karakura had just done its job and he felt like he could get back and captain over his division.

He was getting better now, right? His condition had to have improved! It had been like a week!! Surely…

Hanging out with Karin had relaxed him and knowing that after he left, there would be another guy to take care of her; he felt like his job here was done. Even though he was here to deliberately not be doing a job.

But there seemed to be just one thing missing, one little detail yet to be taken care of.

Karin was looking very uncomfortable, staring down at the ground. Hitsugaya swung slower on his swing as it slowed to a stop. He looked at her quizzically, his blue-green eyes questioning.

He frowned. "Karin… after Jun asked you, what did you say?"

She was deliberately silent, staring down at the ground as if it were the most interesting thing she'd ever seen.

Hitsugaya's voice grew more urgent as he asked, "Karin, what did you tell him?"

Karin didn't want to tell him.

And Hitsugaya felt any confidence or any belief that he had recovered vanish. He felt unsure, as though he had missed some vital thing.

Karin mumbled something, turning away from him so that her face was covered by her short black hair.

"What?" Hitsugaya frowned, growing annoyed.

"…no." Karin muttered again, louder. "I told him no."

Hitsugaya was silent for just a second, surprised. He recovered very quickly. His voice was slightly raised, annoyed. "What? Why??"

Karin heaved an irritated sigh. "Because I don't like him!"

Hitsugaya's frown deepened.

Karin went on, slowly, muttering, frowning. "Why should I go out with someone I don't like? And why… why should I even… be…"

She trailed off, not continuing.

Hitsugaya was irritated. She was flushing bright pink, but stubbornly did not look at him.

"I don't get why you told him no," he said. "You should've-"

"You know why I said no?" Karin said suddenly, glaring at him, loudly.

He was stunned into silence.

"I said no because I didn't like him! I… I liked someone else, okay??"

Hitsugaya stared.

"I…" her fire diminished as quickly as it had started. "…I like you… Toushirou."

**End chapter 8!! Sorry for the long wait and the late update!! Well… Sorry that was a messy chapter. Next chapter will be really hectic and crazy 'cause we've got Hitsugaya's meltdown!! Ooh! Please review!! ^_^ **


	9. Meltdown

**So… here's chapter nine!! Uhh… it could be really… really… crazy. Enjoy, I guess? Read and review!! **

**Chapter Nine: Meltdown**

He was staring at her.

Her voice had been small, getting softer and softer as she finally muttered the words out.

"…_I like you, Toushirou." _she had said.

Oh. Friggin'. Hell.

He continued to stare at her, wide-eyed, shocked, completely taken aback. He was horrified, what with his heart beating faster and faster, so fast that his head began to spin, his thoughts spinning out of control, he wasn't sure what was going on anymore.

She was glaring away from him now, forced to pull her gaze from him from her sheer embarrassment, from the shame that she had done the very thing she'd sworn not to do.

It took him a while to reply. His heart beat so insanely out of his chest and when he did, his face showed something like held-in insanity.

His blue-green eyes stayed wide open, his mouth was stretched into something like a half-smile, but there was no cheer at all on his face. "…what?" he asked.

She didn't say anything, continued staring at the ground.

This meant that Hitsugaya had heard right. She… dammit! For crying out loud, what was wrong with this world?? How the heck…?? She… Crap, please no!! She…

She liked _him?? _

He jumped to his feet, the sudden motion and energy burning and flowing insanely through his body shocking him. He felt insane. It was as though his arms and his legs were heating up, burning, there was so much tension contained within him he didn't know what to do with it.

He couldn't laugh it off, nor cry it off.

This was madness.

"…what?" his eyes were so wide as he stared desperately at her. His voice was pleading, hopeless, begging her to tell him she was joking, and then it grew more and more furious. "WHAT??"

Karin had to look at him in horror now that he'd snapped.

The expression on his face was one of shock and hopelessness. "Karin, how could you-? I can't-!! You-!"

He could not even finish his sentences.

Karin got to her feet and stared at him with wide brown eyes, surprised and scared at his anger.

He took in a deep breath, tried to but failed at calming down and finally managed to spit out the words burning in his throat. "ARE YOU FRIGGIN' INSANE, KARIN?? You can't like me!! YOU CAN'T!!"

He looked around him, breathing heavily, his fiery eyes burning. "I don't get it, Karin!!" He exclaimed, throwing up his hands. "How could you fall in love with _me_?!?"

Her eyes were dark brown and stared at him, watching as everything fell apart. She felt numb, shell-shocked, and unable to move. Even her thoughts seemed unable to function as her heart ached.

"Out of all the bloody people in the world you could choose to like, why did you choose me??" he demanded.

"…I… I can't…!!" He shook his head and gritted his teeth as he ran a hand through his white hair. He breathed in and out, deeply, trying to find some composure, some sanity. "And I… I thought that this was all over!" He said loudly, towards the ground at his feet. He laughed bitterly. Laughed hard so that his stomach hurt.

"What a joke! This isn't going to end! Ever!! No matter where I go, where I run to, whoever I meet, whatever I do, it's always gonna end up badly, isn't it?? I'll never find refuge anywhere!"

His thinking cleared for just a moment as he lifted up his head to gaze at Karin standing there, in front of the swing. The swing next to her was still moving, swinging back and forth, even though there was no-one on it.

"I thought… that maybe I was getting better." he said, "I thought that maybe for once Yamamoto was right, that being down here in Karakura I was recovering. Like all the crap and pain and everything I was holding onto might actually vanish, all the burdens and weight on my back might be lifted, at least a little. But no… no, instead… it's gotten worse!"

"You… You can't help me, Karin. You can't save me." His icy eyes pierced straight through her. "…I've been ripped apart already; you can't put me back together. I… I think I always knew that this time was coming… Ever since all those things happened in Soul Society, I always knew that I could only hold it in for so long before I really and truly broke down."

"You wanted to know about the girl I liked, right? You wanted to know why I had to come here, to 'recover'; you wanted to know why I looked like such crap when I first got here. You want to know what made me into such a mess…" Hitsugaya's voice dropped lower and lower as he glared intensely at the floor, his white hair falling limply over his eyes.

He seemed to have calmed down from his explosion before and now he breathed lightly, though deeply, staring at the ground beneath his feet.

"I… I really loved her, okay?"

And all of sudden, all the fury and anger and shock from before completely left him; he was filled with only sadness.

His voice was full of pain as he told her of the things that hurt him. "I really, truly loved her, like no other man could! I would've given anything for her, I really would've!! Even thinking back about it now, I… I can't stand it… not because she didn't love me back… that hurts like hell, but what made it all so infinitely worse was her betrayal!! She… she had to listen to that bastard Aizen who used her and manipulated her!! She turned her sword on me- her childhood friend- someone she's known for so long- someone who loved her so much!!"

Hitsugaya took a deep breath, obviously all this spilling out was exhausting the already weary self he was. "And then… even after Aizen was exposed as a traitor, even after it was clear that he'd betrayed and used every single one of us… even then-!!"

His voice broke, and he squeezed his eyes tightly shut. "Even though he'd hurt her and even attempted to kill her, as well as Kuchiki and all the others, even though he was so clearly evil and manipulative… and even though she knew- she damn well knew by then- that I loved her, she had… she had to…" His voice dropped lower as the pain became even harder to bear. "…smile at me… with those tears in her eyes… the bandages and wounds clear on her stomach, looking so weary and worn out… she still had to tell me, with the love and tenderness dripping from every word out of her mouth, she had to say that she would forgive him. She said that she still loved him and cared for the Aizen-sama bastard so much that she asked me not to friggin' hurt him!!"

"I… I couldn't handle it, okay?" He shouted out loud, finally lifting his head and turning to glare at Karin with hatred and tears mixed up in his icy eyes. "You tell me how it feels!! You tell me what it feels like when the person you would frickin' give your life to tells you like that that they still love the most evil, twisted, cruel bastard in the world!! You can't bloody help me, Karin, you can't do anything, you can't understand until you feel the way my heart broke that day!!"

His blue-green eyes were wide and furious, the thumb of one of his hands jabbed at his chest. "You… Karin…" he seemed to falter over her name as he spat the words out, "…just…" his voice grew tired once again as he stared at her, the sorrow drowning out the anger in his eyes now, "You… just _attempt _to tell me what it feels like!!"

There was silence as Hitsugaya's meltdown seemed to slow for a moment. It was hard to explain, the way someone would ride the wave of their emotions at a time like this. It would be furious, crazy and angry, their words shouting out so cruelly and then everything would drop to weariness, tiredness and just plain sadness as they tried to hold in the tears in their eyes and in their heart.

But the words had already hit.

And she'd already understood, at least why he had tried not to tell her about what pained him, about why he was here, why he had been so emotionally battered and bruised. And she hurt for him, as she heard his angry yet sorrowful words.

But… his very first reaction- how he'd gotten so angry and so furious at her love for him… that cut her even more.

And in Hitsugaya's little stop for air, for rest, as he raised his head, somewhat more sane, to look at her, he saw clearly.

The way Karin stood there, at the swings, one hand still loosely held on the chain of the swing; and the tears rolling down her cheeks.

And seeing the way her wide brown eyes shone with the tears in them, the hurt expression on her face… for a second, he broke from his insanity and saw it all so clearly that his heart broke even more.

He breathed deeply. In and out. He looked back down at the ground. He raised one hand and swept it over his face and through his limp hair.

"…but… that's not all." he murmured, his voice soft and tired. "It was bloody hard enough to handle all of that… but it got even worse as all of us in Soul Society had to pick up the pieces and slowly put ourselves back together again after the three captains ditched. There was… a lot of pressure on everyone, for me, as a Captain. And it's tough being the youngest one out there, but at least before I'd been able to deal with it. But I was so friggin' sick of everyone- every soul reaper in my division, all the shinigami who knew me- everybody repeatedly coming up to me and patting me on the back- feeling sorry for me, because they knew what I'd gone through with Aizen and Hinamori! It was so bloody annoying, the way they stared at me, the way they offered their useless one-sided sympathy when they would never, never understand!!"

His voice had picked up as he continued his painful rant. "And I thought that after all she… all _Momo _had done to me… I thought that I could hate her at least; at least I could turn away from her after those words that ripped me apart! But _noo_, she had more things up her sleeve!! After being stabbed by Aizen, she gradually fell into a coma, where she remains still, right now!"

He lifted his head, his fingers trembling as he stared at Karin. "And I should be angry at her, and damn it, I am so pissed off and hurt and torn apart by everything she has done to me!! I should not be so affected by her being comatose!! But I… I can't leave her alone! She's like… captured me, and I can't get away! Everything about her, the memories between us, all the crap she's done to me… just keeps coming back!! And over and over, my division suffers and all I can ever do is swear at that bastard Aizen inside while I continue to visit her unconscious body!"

"And it so friggin' hurts me and kills me inside, but I continue to be devoted to her, even while she is comatose and can't see or hear me! And I keep visiting her, day and day, for hours at a time, just standing there and looking at her, even though I _know _that she will never _ever _look back at me, whether she is awake or not!!" He cried out.

Karin couldn't even begin to grasp the heaviness inside her, the tight grip that was wounding itself inside her stomach, gripping tighter and tighter so that she was having trouble breathing.

Because all this time she'd wanted to know about what had happened to him, why he'd been in such a broken state when she saw him again. And he told her, and he was exploding and bleeding on the inside, in so much pain. She couldn't even try to understand, she didn't have any idea at all how much it hurt him, she couldn't get anywhere _near_ the suffering he'd been through.

Her voice was weak as she finally spoke, her eyes fierce as she stared desperately at him, worried. "…Toushirou…"

Like he had before, his eyes seemed to clear for a moment. Whatever his whirlwind of thoughts were, they paused in their chain of insanity. And this time, when he broke away from his ranting, his meltdown, his icy-blue eyes were the clearest she'd ever seen as they gazed directly at her.

His words now, they were clear, they were serious, forceful.

"…So I decided I had to pull myself together. And I told myself I had to get better, that I had let myself fall too far, been ripped apart too hard. I knew… that I was already in pieces and that I might never be put together again! The only thing I knew I could do… was bandage myself up."

He took a deep breath and straightened up, drawing himself to full height. His meltdown seemed to be passing by now, and the pride and strength in his gaze seemed as though it had been there all along.

"It was like I'd been stabbed repeatedly with bits of glass and my insides continued to churn, my stomach had been ripped to shreds and the blood that kept spilling to the floor couldn't ever be recovered. And there was no way I could ever be the same again, I could never walk around being Captain Hitsugaya Toushirou again. I'd fall into worse pieces than I already was… so I…"

His eyes narrowed as he went on, his voice growing cold. "I grabbed everything I could, everything I knew! I pulled everything toward me and wrapped them around me, as tight as I could, like bandages. Then the pieces of me would at least stay wrapped up and held together, as much as it hurt inside! And I could never open my mouth or explain to anybody that asked what I had been through, because I had been bandaged up! Everything- all that hurt, all that bled was supposed to be covered up, pushed away, buried deep down inside, never to be spoken of again!! I had to keep the bandages on… or everything I am, everything I used to be would fall undone and never be put together ever again! I couldn't… I couldn't let anyone know, anyone see the truth! But as… I walked around, trying to be normal, they sent me here- to Karakura- to try and make me recover. 'cause it was so darn obvious to those around me by my lack of sleep, my haggard appearance and my slack leadership over my squad, that I wasn't 'okay'."

Karin froze as the Tenth Division Captain paused and walked towards her so that he stood in front of her, just a metre away. Their eyes were still locked, his were cold and hard and unwelcoming, and hers were wide and concerned.

"When I came to Karakura and I met you again… for a moment I forgot things and it seemed like I might actually get better. You… gave me hope for a bit, Karin. But… now…" Even though he kept his eyes angry and harsh, his voice faltered and weakened. "…now… after you… you said that, I… I can't stand it, okay? There is no way I can be me again! I can't… remove these bandages… they're the only things holding me together! But they are… they're choking me, because I keep layering them on, hiding everything. And they're suffocating me."

"I thought… that maybe I could get better. But I can't. I have nothing left. I… I can't accept your feelings, there's no way! I can't love ever again, because that is another thing that's been ripped up and wrapped up and shoved away! All it's gonna do is unravel everything I've tried to hold together and I'm not strong enough to take another beating, another ripping apart because I'm already in pieces."

He took a step closer to Karin and it was impossible to read the emotion in his eyes. His voice was strong now, steady as he muttered, "So you can't love me, Karin… You shouldn't have fallen in love… with someone like me."

**Yeah… a lotta dialogue, eh? Sometimes, I get told off for illustrating my stories with mainly just dialogue, but it's the way I do things. I always need a climax, a meltdown, when characters just yell and let loose. It's more of a monologue actually, and it's the kinda thing I'd love to act out myself, just shout and say all those things! Wow! ^_^ So… you all get why the title has stuff to do with bandages now, right? Anyway, it's been a long chappie and some of you might be kinda shocked… but thanks for hanging on with me for so many chapters. Please review and tell me what you think! emichii**


	10. Crying

**Disclaimer: Bleach doesn't belong to me!! _**

**Hiya everyone and a very very BIG THANKYOU to every single one of you!! ^_^ I'm so happy and grateful for all your support, for all your reviews and for you all to be reading my fic! Lotsa people were saying that I made them cry last chappie and man, that was deep and all that stuff. Aw thanks! I like creating stuff like that! Anyway, whoa… it seems we're getting closer and closer to the end now… wow… **

**So… enjoy chapter 10!! Read and review! emichii! **

"_So you can't love me, Karin… You shouldn't have fallen in love… with someone like me."_

**Chapter Ten: Crying**

The expression on her face was incredibly hard to read. She didn't say anything. She was silent, her brown eyes still wide as they watched him.

He held her gaze for what seemed like the most painful moment ever.

His voice had been strong and cool as he muttered his parting words. The words were quiet and almost sympathetically soft, but Karin felt like she'd been stabbed. And now, as she stared at him, her eyes were wide and brown and almost desperately despairing.

He seemed still, almost like he was holding in his breath and his pain. His icy blue eyes were hardened and were full of his suffering, and his pale lips trembled ever so slightly.

And at last he frowned with hatred and she dropped her head and looked at the ground.

He left. And she stayed behind, her heart breaking, unable to even watch the soul reaper captain walk away.

---

_I should leave. I should go back to Soul Society. I'm done here; I'm really and truly done here. I should… go home…_

But his feet faltered just as his thoughts did. Hitsugaya stopped and paused for the first time since he'd walked away from the park. But he… He stared icily past the streets and in the direction from which he'd come.

Hitsugaya ditched his gigai and carefully hid his spiritual pressure. He looked back uncertainly and bit his lip. He should… go back and at least check on her… It was getting late now and the sky was a brilliant orange residing into a deep purple sky. He should go back to the park and watch her, make sure she didn't do anything stupid. He should go back and make sure she got home safely.

Hitsugaya bounded back to the park and stayed high above from her. He watched her from the safety of the looming evening shadows.

She was quiet. Karin sat there, alone on the swing, her hands loosely clutching the chains. The swing moved back and forth slowly and minimally, and her toes brushed against the ground as she swayed.

She seemed out of it, but aware that she was in a daze. Her eyes were perfectly dry and clear now, no tears anywhere in sight. But she constantly kept bowing her head down suddenly and taking in a long breath, as if to hold herself together.

It was a painful scene. Hitsugaya had to look away. The way his heart pounded so heavily inside just watching her hold it in, he couldn't stand it. So he tore his eyes away and glared resolutely away.

The thought crossed Karin's mind that she should go home. And while she walked back, she better frown and growl a bit to get her face back to normal, away from the distressed and sad little girl she looked like right now. She better get back… Yuzu would have dinner ready soon and Stupid Old Dad would be thumping around yelling at them that dinner was at seven o'clock sharp.

Karin rose slowly to her feet, closed her eyes for a moment, frowning and taking in a deep breath before she began the walk home.

---

Hitsugaya didn't understand it. Suddenly, something about her had changed. Just the other day, she'd been normal. She'd been smiling and laughing, scowling and being her usual stubborn self. The way she moved, her facial expression, everything about her showed her to be a childish and carefree school girl.

But now… he couldn't quite place it. She seemed to have changed. She seemed to have grown, her eyes showed an understanding, a maturity that wasn't there before.

_Out of all the people you could have fallen in love with, why did you choose me? _His eyes were sad as they watched her.

_You could've… been with Jun and been perfectly happy. 'cause you're meant to be a normal kid… someone who can love freely and have no worries… just innocent childish affections… but you… _

He recalled the way she had muttered the truth, unable to look at him and the way she hurt as she sat there alone on the swing.

_You stupidly… fell for me._

_And I can already tell… I can already see by the way you're struggling to hold in the pain… _

Karin stood on the doorstep of Kurosaki clinic as her dad swept open the door.

"KARIN!! YOU'RE LATE!!"

She scowled at him. "Get out of the way, Old Man. I'm hungry."

Her voice was cool and blunt as usual and she walked right past her dad into the kitchen, not giving him a second glance.

She was perfectly normal. Nobody could see that something had changed about her.

Hitsugaya turned away from the Kurosaki household in bitterness.

_Everything you do is so familiar… how you can hide it all so well… _

_You…_

_This isn't just a childish crush, is it?_

He knew it. He knew it all so well. He'd been there, done that.

The reason Karin seemed to have changed during have walk home was because she'd finally realized and been exposed to the truth. There would never be such thing as a carefree childish romance for her. She'd realized now and taken the hit.

She knew it now.

What real love was. And that it hurt.

---

_I should go back. I really should go back now. I've spent enough time here. Recovering? Have I… have I gotten better? _

He stood in front of the closed window. The cool night air around him chilled him but it was refreshing. The moon in the sky was high and very white. The light from it bounced off the window and he studied his reflection.

Had he… gotten better?

His white hair still fell dishevelled as usual. His icy blue-green eyes were pale and his very light skin seemed even paler in the moonlight. But his face was not as thin and wasted as it once was, and the bags and bruise-like dark eye circles were long gone.

He looked better. He looked way better.

But how did he feel? He should get back to Soul Society. How much time had he spent here in Karakura, 'recovering'? He had to get back and look over his division again. He had let things get too out of hand since he began deteriorating. His squad had suffered and probably Matsumoto too.

He really should… he should go home.

But… what was he doing here?

He stood there, in such a familiar place. The night was dark and chilly, but still he was here, outside the Karakura household, outside Karin's bedroom window.

It might make it harder to leave and go back. He held the remorse of hurting her but also for leaving without saying goodbye. But why would she even want to see him again now?

_Stupid. _He scolded himself. He knew it, dammit. Of course she would want to see him again. She loved him. And he knew that her love was a real love because she was hurting because of him. But he didn't want to let her see him. He didn't want to hurt her.

He mustn't wake her.

Once again… he should just leave. That could save her a lot more heartache and would save him all this… guilt and… even pain.

He knew why he couldn't accept her feelings. It would hurt more. He knew that. Real love hurt. He couldn't handle it, he would really and truly break and never be the same again. But… as he carefully slid open the window, had he already changed? Was he already a different Toushirou Hitsugaya to the one who could not drag himself away from watching Hinamori's comatose self?

And yet… he hadn't accepted Karin's feelings. He couldn't.

But already, he felt the hurt and pain inside him.

Hitsugaya Toushirou silently crept inside and hid in the darkness against the wall, in his spot between the window and her bed. He stood there, illuminated a little by the very bright moon shining in from outside. He stood there silently and watched her sleeping.

And he knew he should go back, he knew he'd spent too much time here, too much time altogether 'recovering', but he was here. He… was grateful to her.

He felt better. He really did, and he told himself that, over and over. Apart from the guilt and this killing pain inside him right now, the normal suffering was gone. Ever since he'd been in Karakura, spending time with this young human girl here, bit by bit… he had felt better.

But today… earlier… she'd ruined it all. She'd finally forced him to snap, to break down, to have a meltdown and explode at her, pouring out everything that had happened to him to make him this way.

And it had all hurt. But it was over.

Like… somehow… now that it was all gone, now that he'd let loose and let go of everything, the burden and weight had somehow lifted from his shoulders. Of course… it still hurt and he'd always carry around the scars of the past but… it was as though he'd been carrying a horrible weight until now and he'd finally put it down.

In that case… he was better, yeah? Then at least… what he was here for was accomplished.

He attempted a small smile, his tired eyes settled on her sleeping face. _Hey… at least… I think I made it through… _

His small smile faded. _It will still hurt for you for a while after today though, Karin. _And even while he thought that, his own heart hurt. …_But you'll get better, I'm sure._

_After all… you helped heal me. _

And he took a step close to her, and looked down at her, almost tenderly. He didn't understand the way his heart just thudded and seemed to ache, he didn't know why the way he looked at her was so… endearing.

He really didn't plan on seeing her ever again. No, definitely not. Sure… he was now better enough to go home, but he… he couldn't take any chances anymore.

Why… he sighed quietly. Why did she have to fall in love with _him_?

He opened his mouth and said softly, "…goodbye, Karin."

She was still silent and barely even stirred.

_Okay._ Hitsugaya turned to go. He'd been here long enough. But as he turned to leave, he felt the bitterness and the suffering inside him again. He paused for a fatal moment and turned to watch her once more, with almost desperately pained icy-blue eyes.

He realized with a start.

She was crying in her sleep.

She seemed to sob, her chest rising up suddenly, weighed down by her hurt and pain. And a tear appeared from her closed eyes and trickled slowly down her cheeks.

He could not leave. He was unable to do it.

He hardened his gaze and tried to pull himself together. It was his fault, he realized, for turning around and glancing back at her. He never should've come back here tonight. He never should've looked back. And now the pain inside him felt like it was choking him.

Karin was hurting. It was obvious, even though she was asleep. The hurt and the pain and everything that had happened today, everything Hitsugaya had burst out with, all the suffering he'd let go of seemed to hit her all at once, and the pain of rejection, of him leaving came out in the tears she'd fought so hard to hold in.

The tears fell down her cheeks and hit the pillow and her blankets with soft splashes. She sobbed quietly and he stood there, still beside her, watching.

He gritted his teeth. He can't be here. He shouldn't be here.

He mustn't wake her. He must not let her see his face tonight or ever again. He must never hurt her like this again. He must not let himself suffer again. Like the way he was suffering right now.

And he must never, ever look back.

What was meant to a quiet, peaceful, somewhat repentant goodbye turned into an escape. Hitsugaya tore his eyes from her tear-stained face, and managed to slide open the window without screaming. He leapt out of the window and refused to let himself look back, never again.

And Hitsugaya Toushirou ran from the Kurosaki household, into the dark and chilly night.

He was better, he assured himself repeatedly. He could go home. He'd be okay. Everything would be okay, everything could go back to normal.

But he found his heart falling heavily. But… what was normal?

With every heavy thudding footstep he ran, his insides twisted and his heart hurt a little more.

In her room, Karin cried in her sleep.

The window was hastily left open, and from outside, the chilly breeze crept in, making the curtains dance and flutter in the wind.

**That's the end of chapter 10!! What did you think? With that last part of Hitsu thanking Karin for helping him to recover and then him saying goodbye, I thought it would be so cool to use that as the last part. And then he'd leave and it'd be the end. Tragic but fantastic, eh? And readers of my work know that I always have happy endings but there's a part of me that just absolutely admires and is in awe of sad and beautiful endings. But… obviously with the end of this chappie, there is definitely gonna be more. I'm guessing, my dear devoted readers, that there will be two more chapters before ****Your Bandages ****ends. So until then, hang on and please review!! ^_^ emichii! **


	11. Left Behind

**Hi everybody!! Wow... I'm so exhausted… okay… So thanks for all the reviews and support everyone! I never would've gotten this far without you all!! I'm gonna apologize early because I'm getting really busy these days, lots of homework and assignments and commitments, as well as camps and trips and training stuff. So please stay by me until I get this done!! Here's the second-last chapter! Please review! emichii**

**Chapter Eleven: Left Behind**

When Hitsugaya arrived home, in Soul Society, everything seemed to hit him hard. The emptiness, the blankness of it all, the silence and the white buildings. It all… shocked him.

He made his way through the empty streets and buildings, walking the somehow exhausting path to his division, to his headquarters, where the characters TEN on the building almost gave him a headache.

Just as he stood in front of the door, it opened abruptly and before he knew what was happening, he was suffocating face-down into someone's chest. Her arms wrapped around him tightly and before he could get himself into the right set of mind, he found that he'd missed the presence of his trusty lieutenant.

He frowned and tried to be his icy cold self again. "Matsumoto!" he scolded. "Let go!"

As he pushed the assistant captain away, he found that in her eyes were not the usual sense of fun and laziness. She looked serious and the concern and care in them surprised him.

He stared at her, wide-eyed.

"Captain," she said softly, looking at him critically. "I'm glad you're back. How are you feeling?"

Before, before he'd left Soul Society for Karakura to recover, her asking him that would have made him so furious. Before, he could not handle everybody's sympathetic questions and their worry and concern. But now… he didn't understand it. He didn't feel angry or even irritated at her question.

Hitsugaya looked tiredly away. He didn't know. He truly… didn't know.

He'd been so sure, so certain before, last night before he left that he was better. He'd really thought he'd been healed, been recovered, mostly due to a certain human girl whose name he refused to let himself say. But then… standing there beside her sleeping form…

The confidence in his recovery all fell apart. And he didn't know anymore. He didn't know… at all.

Matsumoto was quiet, watching him, still waiting for an answer.

He turned away. "…I don't know."

_I really don't know… what normal is anymore. _

---

"_Dude, you look awful!! What happened to you??" _

Someone's both laughing and scowling voice sounded in his mind. Her laughter seemed to tickle him and the brightness of her smirking smile made his insides hurt. That very same smile that once was so contagious it had been hard to hold back his own smile.

Hitsugaya opened his eyes and stared questioningly up at the ceiling. He lay there, sprawled out on his bed and breathed in deeply. He didn't get it. He glared up at the starch white ceiling and he could pick up the sounds from outside- the sounds of Matsumoto training his squads. Her voice was lighter- she was obviously delighted at the return of her captain. But he himself…

He sat up and stared miserably at the mirror on the door, studying himself. His appearance had really improved, he told himself, and it really had. Apart from this unnameable expression in his cold blue-green eyes, he seemed normal. Really.

But…

It had been bugging him ever since he got here. And it had only been a few hours, but it grew more and more insistent, this strange tugging inside him. He frowned and clenched and unclenched his fists.

Dammit!! Why was it like this?? He'd tried so hard, he'd dealt with so much crap!! He'd been away from home for so long, and now that he recovered, why couldn't he just come back and _belong _again? Why couldn't he return and feel _at home _like he was meant to?

Something wasn't right.

He could feel it.

As soon as he'd stepped back past the portal, as soon as he'd seen the ever-familiar scenery of his home- the Soul Society, he felt it inside him. He felt the doubt and uncertainty gnaw at him. There was something wrong. Something… was really wrong.

Almost like… his face paled as he looked away from his image reflected in the mirror. Something was missing.

Something was gone.

"_Will you… tell me about it someday?" _

Her quiet, more thoughtful voice sounded through in his mind. It surprised him sometimes because there was always this contrast in her face and voice when she wasn't being her childish immature self. There was always this really honest, determined look in her brown eyes and he could hear the thoughtfulness in her voice.

"…_maybe. Someday." _

Had it only just been a few weeks since she asked him that so earnestly? Since he replied with the slight surprise in his eyes, though he tried to hide it.

Hitsugaya walked down through the corridors of his Tenth Company building, towards the main headquarters. He just couldn't pinpoint why the silence of Soul Society that usually calmed him felt so wrong to him.

He heard the footsteps coming down on the wooden floor toward him and automatically traced the reiatsu of Matsumoto. He smirked a little to himself. He wasn't rusty at all, his senses and skills were still the peak standard of the Gotei 13.

But he found that the sympathetic look in Matsumoto's eyes annoyed him still. The vice-captain came to a stop just in front of him and bent down a little to meet his gaze. "Taichou…" she attempted a warm smile, but the obvious sympathy in her eyes made him want to turn away.

He stared at her, frowning.

"…would you like to go visit Hinamori?"

"Wh-what?" He only just managed to stop himself from spitting out the horrified words.

Matsumoto's reply was soft and calm. "…It's been three weeks since you went to the Living World to recover. You haven't visited her in all that time. Surely, you-"

­-_are going to come running back to her as always, aren't you?_

Matsumoto had trailed off, but Hitsugaya heard his own accusing voice ringing in his head.

No, he told himself as he shook sense into his head. _I'm done with all this pain and regret over her. I'm better now! I'm not afraid of seeing her, I'm not! _

Hitsugaya straightened up and led the way to the exit. "Let's go."

---

She wasn't going to look back. She never did, and never would. Not the way he so wanted her to.

---

Apparently, Hinamori Momo was on the road to recovery. She was comatose, yes, but she'd wake up in time. It wouldn't be long now. But ever since she'd first collapsed, Hitsugaya had made it a habit, a routine to visit her continually.

He hadn't been to see her in three weeks. Wasn't sure what was different about everything here now, but he faithfully made his way to where she was being kept.

_Well… _He mulled over his thoughts as he walked steadily, _I… I said I was healed. I am!! I really am! But I…_

He felt the doubt rise up in him as he gazed at the white buildings around him. What _was _this unsettling feeling? What was wrong, what was different with this life that he'd once been so accustomed to?

Hitsugaya had been so angry at Hinamori before. But he'd still come to see her everyday, as often as he could. He knew that she'd put him through so much, dragged him down whenever she felt like she was in trouble, innocently rubbing the salt into the wounds that hurt him so much.

What was so different? He was better this time round. He wouldn't… be affected anymore.

---

It used to hurt when he came here. It used to really, really cane.

Every time he came here, every time he so faithfully visited her and just stood there silently by her side… it hurt. And he used to feel so angry, so frustrated and filled with hatred for everything she'd put him through, yet he'd still come and stand here, to watch her unconscious face. Because he was so pathetically attached to her.

But he walked in, into the dimly lit room, small slits of sunlight peering in from curtains that had been pulled closed over the windows. Everything was so similar, the silent, peaceful room that he dreaded yet came running to repeatedly.

Three metres from her bed, he automatically braced himself. Because he knew the closer he got to her, as soon as he saw her angelic form and her lovely face, he would hurt inside. And he knew that mentally preparing himself to see her all the time never helped. It would still hurt.

He was silent as he slowly walked towards her bedside and looked down at her. His icy-coloured eyes settled across her face and he recalled the miserable memories and thoughts of everything that had happened between them. Her chest rose up and down almost unnoticeably, and he realized that some colour had returned to her cheeks.

That's good, he thought. She really was getting better.

Maybe… she'd wake up soon.

Hitsugaya suddenly widened his eyes and found himself stiffen. He didn't even let out his breath for a moment. He blinked in surprise a couple of times.

He raised his head away from her face and stared blankly out at the wall across from him. He didn't understand it. It was different now. He barely glanced down at Momo again, as he swiftly turned away from her and began heading out of the room. His footsteps moved quickly through the hallways and straight past Matsumoto who was waiting for him outside.

"Captain? Taichou?" She turned after him, surprised and curious about how fast he was leaving, at his strange behaviour.

He went straight past her, his feet moving faster and faster, struggling to find a place where he could be alone, somewhere where he could be confused and searching for his answers by himself. The buildings, the vastness of the white blocks of the Seireitei disappeared behind him as Hitsugaya began to run.

---

He left the Seireitei behind him. He left the buildings he knew and had based his life around far behind, he ran into the openness of the Soul Society. He went past the old and broken-down streets and homes of the citizens without spiritual abilities, somewhere else, somewhere else where he might finally find what he was looking for.

The breeze brushing across his face made him feel even more desperate. He tried to remember the last time when the wind past him had actually comforted him. The last time he'd actually… enjoyed running.

"_Whaddaya waiting for, Toushirou? Go bring it back!" _

Her smirking face as she stood there, hand on her hips. He remembered the early morning sky behind her and the dew on the grass. She'd made him run across the field to retrieve the soccer ball that she'd deliberately booted way over his head. He'd been annoyed at first, but realized that the running made him feel better, the wind past his face comforting him.

He felt his insides tighten as he recalled the experience, more so as he imagined her happy face, beaming at him. His heavy footsteps came to a stop and he stood there, on a hill, overlooking the Soul Society beneath him.

He buried his face in his hands as he felt despair wash over him. Dammit! It had been so disconcerting, so disturbing, and so unfamiliar. He'd never realized just how much he'd counted on the pain from Hinamori to always be there, always there inside. But just then, as he'd gone to visit his childhood friend, the suffering, the pain that usually stabbed itself inside his heart wasn't there. Its presence… had gone.

He raised his head and let himself stare at the plain blue sky of Soul Society with all the despair inside open and exposed. His blue-green eyes were bright but his feelings, his emotions… were so uncertain.

He thought for sure he should be relieved, inside he should be feeling so light, so glad, so much _better_. He really was better! He really had recovered!! Surely, surely, because the pain of seeing Momo and thinking of her was gone now, because he couldn't feel it inside him anymore, he couldn't feel its familiar stabbing pain damaging his heart again.

But… there was something else.

He recalled someone else's sleeping face. He remembered standing beside her bedside, watching with some kind of tenderness in his heart as she slept, so innocent and unaware of the trials and tribulation out there in the world.

And how this person…

He felt his chest hurt and he was shocked. He was absolutely astounded, horrified as he realized what had happened.

He'd always been there, watching the girl who would never look back at him. But then… this girl… she'd… woken up and looked back at him. And then with the surprise evident in her eyes, she'd smiled at him. She'd smiled so brightly at him, and he realized later what the emotion in her smile actually was.

She'd… actually looked back.

He found himself gasping for breath, his eyes widened now with this shock horror as his heart twisted with unbelievable pain. But it wasn't pain for Hinamori Momo.

"…_I like you, Toushirou."_

Her voice had been small and soft. And her lips had trembled, her eyes struggling to keep looking at him. The fear and uncertainty was obvious in her slightly cracked voice, but the truthfulness of it all, the honesty in her scared brown eyes had given him a shock.

This strange… pain inside- he recognized it. Yet it was different. And inside, he realized what was wrong, what had screamed out at him as soon as he'd entered Soul Society again, as soon as he'd come home. And he understood his confusion, this emptiness, this blank numbness inside him, why something was wrong, why something was missing. He knew now… what was missing.

He became burdened and rained on by the thoughts and feelings. Everything revealed itself, everything came back, everything exploded into his head, into his heart, a montage of all the things he'd seen and faced and felt during his time with her.

"…_I guess I'll see ya some time then, Toushirou." _

Her shrug, her casual tone as she turned away, not looking back into his eyes.

"_Sometimes, what I do to get rid of whatever's bugging me is take the soccer ball out to the school field and boot it at the goal a coupla times. And I'll kick it really hard, over and over, just to get the annoyance and suffering out. Like, for example, when I'm pissed off at my dad, I'll pretend the goal is his face and kick the ball in it a few times!" _

Her immaturity, her childishness. The funny things about her that made him want to laugh, that made him struggle to suppress the chuckles he wanted to let out.

"_So… you liked someone and you got all depressed about it? If that's what happened, then I see even more reason not to understand this whole 'love' business. I don't… I don't wish to ever like somebody!"_

But also her honesty, her simple truths and beliefs, her determination.

Hitsugaya breathed heavily as he squeezed his eyes shut and tried to handle the huge emotion inside him. It was all so big, too heavy to be contained, so incredible and surprising now that he understood it.

Last night, as he'd given in to his urge to see her one more time, to say goodbye and somehow apologize for his meltdown. The despairing pain that had somehow made itself into his heart, even while he was far, far away from Hinamori. His weakness, his mistake in letting himself glance back at her and realizing he couldn't turn away. And… that horrifyingly painful twisting feeling inside as he noticed the tears running down her cheeks as she slept.

The rush, the horror, the sudden need to leave, the despair inside as he pulled himself away, dug his feet in, gritted his teeth and held in the throbbing of his heart as he ran, ran as fast as he possibly could. Had to get away, had to run away, absolutely couldn't stay one second longer. The wind that beat harshly against his face as he ran in the cold darkness of the night echoed the strange new pain of his chest.

His insides broke down as he glared with the shock realization. He drew in a sharp intake of breath as he blinked open his eyes and felt the hole in his stomach.

What was missing, what was wrong, why it was all different and not the way it should be, what he'd left behind.

The reason he'd felt so uncomfortable coming home. Why his heart no longer ached around Momo and now hurt and twisted so much in this different way. Why something seemed to missing, something felt so wrong and what it was that he must've left behind in the Living World.

Her smile, her childish but bright smile cut through him. And her tearstained face, the misery and sadness that she couldn't contain, try as she might…

Hitsugaya held himself tightly and gritted his teeth as he tried to bear this new pain. He knew what had happened.

This different suffering, this different longing, this different feeling.

He thought he had healed. He'd let go of Momo, at last.

But he wasn't better. Hinamori was no longer the cause of his suffering, and he should be relieved because of that, but… actually he…

He hurt because he loved someone else. He hurt because he'd fallen for someone new, someone different. 'cause he was in love with Kurosaki Karin.

And last night, running so desperately away from her because these feelings for her had become so strong, even though he didn't know it because he'd tried so hard to deny everything, because he was so angry about how she felt about him, because he couldn't take it anymore, he couldn't handle any more pain or suffering.

And ever since he'd gotten back, the feeling of knowing something was gone, knowing something was wrong, feeling like something was missing. Now he knew what it was.

He'd left his heart behind. There, in Karin's bedroom, as she cried tears in her sleep. He'd left his heart on the windowsill, as the chilling night breeze made the curtains flutter about it.

Hitsugaya was no longer in denial as he hugged himself, lowered his head and gritted his teeth to bear the pain. And the pain wasn't going to go away as he mourned for what he'd left behind.

**One chapter to go, everybody!! Scary, isn't it? But I'm so happy and grateful for all of your support and reviews! So… it'll be a little sad to see ****Your Bandages ****end but let's hope it will be a spectacular finish. I'm gonna need all the help I can get, so please review and give a bit of encouragement as I run the final stretch! Haha! ^_^ Be there for the last chapter!! emichii **


	12. Goodbye, Bandages

**Hi everybody! It seems that these last few chapters have only been coming out every second week these days, eh? It's been quite hectic! Haha! But, holidays are coming up for me so I'll get a good break and hopefully write lots! I really, really wanna focus on getting published out there, properly. I want emichii to exist outside of , but it's not so easy… eh! But I wanna thank every one of ya, 'cause without all your support I would've given up long ago!! ^_^ so… here we go! The last chapter of ****Your Bandages****! Enjoy! emichii**

_How am I supposed to know what to say to her?_

_How do I react to her when I see her once again?_

_Even after I've rejected her so brutally… _

…_what happens to us now? _

**Chapter Twelve: Goodbye, bandages**

Hitsugaya stood there, at his spot, the one place he'd been trying to avoid the last time he'd come here. Because, here, on this road, near the railing, was where the memories of _her _had been most painful. And yet, no matter what had changed within him, no matter what was different, the sky out there, the colours, the brightness of it all… never changed.

And he stood there, and raised his face up to the sky, closed his eyes and let the morning chill sweep past his face. He lowered his head again and gazed down at the scenery below him, the houses that all looked so small from up here, each one so neatly lined up, even the busier sections of the streets usually full of people, seemed to hold nothing.

His icy cold blue-green eyes gazed the Karakura town from above and inside, that empty, aching spot in his chest seemed to cry out. He clenched one fist tightly and cringed as he held in the pain.

_And so… just like this… I'm back again. But this time… _

_Things have changed. I know they have. _

And his eyes seemed to break in their coldness for a moment.

He attempted a small smile out into the empty air in front of him. It was a pretty… indescribable feeling.

And he stood there, up here, just watching over the unknowing town. And the sky above was so pale, so clear blue- a grey colour settled over it. The sunlight just beginning to creep its way into daylight.

The sun never knew. The sky never knew. This nice, peaceful town just beginning to wake from its slumber would never know, and would never understand. His pain. His suffering. The pain and suffering of anyone out there who lived upon this world. And yet… it continued so faithfully to just rise. Everyday… it came again and again.

The sun. The sky.

Every day. A new day.

Hitsugaya sighed. The heaviness within him stirred and his heart ached. And he raised his eyes once again to the brightening morning sky.

And yes, he was back here. Yeah, he had come back to Karakura again, even though it so seemed like he'd recovered. 'cause he'd come back for what he'd left behind.

And he was full of regret and sadness for what he'd done before, but this time, he promised himself, it would be different.

---

She was up early.

Karin sat up in her bed, her hair a mess of tangles and her pyjamas crumpled as she looked out the window beside her bed. The colour outside of the growing morning came shining onto her bed, and she felt the warmth on her face. She yawned away tears of tiredness as she got out of bed.

She tried a smile. It felt a little weird on her face now, since she'd been so burdened with this sadness inside, but it was gonna be okay. _Don't… ever let yourself forget that, Karin Kurosaki… _she told herself.

There… must be more. It would always keep coming.

And just before she got dressed, she paused for a moment at her window, her brown eyes searching the sky. The days are gonna keep coming. The sun would keep rising everyday, as hard as it was to see it sometimes.

---

Hitsugaya felt his breath stop in his throat. He paused there, on the roof of the building that overlooked the park. He couldn't stop it. He could not stop the tenderness in his heart as he watched her, he couldn't stop the way his chest ached and hurt so much for her. For this young girl who'd taken his bruised and battered heart, and loved it all the same. For Karin Kurosaki.

His bandages… they…

Weren't needed… He was healing, wasn't he? For real, this time.

But if they were to be ripped off, then he must…

---

Karin ran across the green grass, focused on the soccer ball a few metres ahead of her. Her face was slightly flushed and her black hair flying in all directions. She clenched her hands into tight fists as she ran, hard.

She tried to keep other thoughts from flooding her mind, tried not to think of anything else but the chilly but beautiful morning and the soccer ball she so desperately needed to have. But…

She raced towards it, and her face was angry with a scowl as she flung all her might and energy into one kick, and she booted the ball far, far away.

But she couldn't go after it. Karin watched with frustration as she watched the ball fly away, landing so far from her reach. And she should run after it, like she'd normally do, but she couldn't.

Karin fell to the ground. She sat there, on the grass and berated herself. She covered her face with her hands and sighed before pulling her knees up to her chest, hugging her legs wearily resting her face against her knees.

Dammit.

It was so hard. She'd tried so hard not to think of him, not to remind her of him in any way at all.

Hitsugaya Toushirou… she closed her eyes and the image of him made her insides burn.

He couldn't love her. He couldn't think of her in the same way she thought of him. And he'd gone through so much unspeakable pain, he couldn't handle any more or he'd break so much he'd never be put together again. So he had to bandage himself up, hold himself together, bandages that will never come off, even though they were choking him.

"_So you can't love me, Karin… You shouldn't have fallen in love… with someone like me."_

And his parting words, she could still remember how clear and strong they had been. But she couldn't pinpoint what the emotion that had been in his eyes was.

So she scolded herself and was frustrated at her weakness, her stupidity. She had to… get over him! She had to pick herself up again… become Karin Kurosaki again- the one that just didn't care- that never cared.

_He's gone now. He's gone back to the Soul Society, where he's meant to be. I guess he must have 'recovered'. _And even though she hurt inside and she couldn't stop the stupid longing, she already knew. _He's not coming back. _

She prepared herself to get on her feet again. She lifted her head and looked up.

_He's not coming back._

And he stood there, in his gigai, dishevelled white hair ruffling in the breeze and his cold blue-green eyes looking directly at her.

---

The pain was unbearable. It was tearing him apart. It took all he had not to visibly grit his teeth and clench his fists and scowl furiously in holding it in. But how can it be… that while it hurt so much, it felt so much better to be here in front of her than away from her?

She felt like someone had just punched her in the stomach. And the feeling curled and moved inside, she almost wanted to throw up, it hurt that much. But she couldn't stop the relief she felt that he was actually here. Right there… standing in front of her.

---

Her eyes were wide and surprised as she stared at him. She froze, unable to speak or move.

He knew why. He remembered the way she had cried in her sleep. Hitsugaya stared at her somewhat forlornly. What could he say to her now, what could he possibly do, how could he possibly fix everything? He'd been so unbelievably harsh when he'd unleashed all his hurt on her, he never meant for it to happen, he didn't intend to break down like that and yell at her so furiously.

"…Karin," he attempted, his voice soft and unsure.

She grunted in annoyance, finally pulling her gaze away from him. And she seemed immature and stubborn in the way she couldn't bear to look at him, but he caught the true pain in her eyes.

Then, she realized with shock, what if- what if it was all an illusion? What if, when she looked back, Hitsugaya would vanish once again, in front of her eyes? And he'd be gone once more. She clenched her fists because she found it so hard to look at him, but was so scared that he would leave.

Karin got up to her feet and glanced at him for only a brief second, before returning her gaze to the side. Her hands wavered uncertainly at her sides before they found a spot in her pockets.

"I'm sorry."

She blinked, wide-eyed and looked at him. He didn't look away but looked at her, though his icy eyes seemed distant for a moment.

"I'm sorry, Karin," he said. "I said… so many horrible things to you. And I was so angry and furious that you'd like someone like me… I'm sorry."

She opened her mouth as to say something but realized she didn't have anything to say.

"…but it's true that I was angry. And it's true all the things I said- everything that happened and all the crap I've been through. But I realize now that those were the very things holding me back. I was never gonna get better if I continued to blame _her _and if I never let go of the bitterness inside." He frowned and focused on the grass beneath his feet. "But it's actually a good thing that I let go of all that, even though it must have hurt you in the process, because it's all… healed me."

And he looked up now and met her gaze.

And he smiled.

"All because of you." And the light and the affection in his eyes was no longer hidden. "I came back… 'cause I realized I'd forgotten something. And I… I'm actually so thankful to you, Karin!" His voice cracked a little as his feelings began to come out.

"…I really think I'm better now. I think… I'm gong to keep getting better. I think I'm healing, I'm recovering. And you were the one who helped me recover. Because while I was here in Karakura, soaking in my misery, you always seemed to be here, smiling like you didn't know all the troubles of the world… and even though I wasn't always willing to tell you what I'd been through, you were always willing to listen. …and even though… somehow you came to fall for someone as messed up as me… I don't regret that I was able to spend time here with you."

"I…" he paused, now stumped as to what he could say next. He bit his lip and tried to look at her honestly. "I guess… that's what I came back to say… sorry for everything I put you through, but also… thankyou for being here."

_Isn't there anything else you can say? _He thought to himself. _Isn't there anything else on your heart that is bothering you that you have to tell her? And how are you going to say it? How will you… tell her? That you love her._

Karin's eyes were still wide. And the beating of her heart was still heavy and pained with unrequited love, but it didn't matter so much anymore. Her face warmed up and she smiled. "…it's okay, Toushirou!"

The smile on her face, the forgiveness in her voice… made his heart in his chest take flight.

_No. That's not all I came here to say! _

He watched with desperate eyes as Karin kind of began to head off, probably to retrieve her soccer ball and leave.

"Karin!" He cried out.

She stood there and looked at him, a questioning look in her brown eyes.

His voice was serious and he forced himself to look straight into her eyes, her icy blue-green eyes intense and honest. "If…"

"If I gave you my heart, would you always look after it?"

She was surprised. He was serious.

"Even though I know I've been through a lot, I don't want to dwell on them anymore. I want to leave them behind. But even though I'm so messed up and my heart is so ripped up and bruised, will you… take care of it? If I… when I return to Soul Society, where I belong… when I go back and try to be myself again… will you still… love me? When I go back, 'recovered', and try to take on my responsibilities again and be the best captain I can be and should be, will you still think of me? Even though I won't always be here, will you promise… to take care of my heart?"

Karin stared at him. Her face grew flushed and she bit her lip with frustration as she felt her eyes grow teary.

Hitsugaya's voice was still serious and honest, but his cheeks were faintly going red as he struggled to spit out the words he so needed to say.

"If I told you that I loved you… what would you do?" And his voice became desperate and slightly torn on the last syllable.

"…I…" Her head was messed up and delusional. Everything was stunning her, like the sun above was so bright and beautiful that she couldn't handle it. How did she know she wasn't just dreaming? How could she know if she was just imagining this all?

She lowered her head and didn't look at him. "I… don't know," she muttered.

Hitsugaya watched her critically. His voice dropped, "I… I thought that maybe if you liked Jun, then everything that happened before wouldn't have happened. But you… you fell for me, and I… I was shocked." A frown appeared on his face. "And I was angry and being selfish because I was drowning in my misery so much I didn't even wanna think that things could get better. And I was scared- I didn't want to try to love again, not after all the pain of loving Hinamori. And I didn't think I could ever put my heart back together, I didn't believe that I could be healed and I didn't think that the bandages would ever come off. So I got angry. I got really… furious when you told me you liked me."

He stepped closer to her and noticed the way her brown eyes were shining and the tears in them brimming. Her mouth was pulled downwards and she was biting her lip to hold in the tears she disliked.

He clenched his hands into fists and told her honestly. "I got angry because I didn't want to let myself have another chance! I didn't want to try again; I didn't want to love again! I didn't believe I could be okay again! But… I got angry… because inside… I'd already fallen in love with you."

Hitsugaya felt his face burn as he struggled not to look away from her. He focused his cold blue-green eyes on her. "…I love you, Karin."

She wouldn't look at him. She was now staring at the ground, her eyes wide as the tears began dripping down her cheeks and onto the grass. She desperately began wiping at her eyes with her hands but the tears continued to fall.

He was devastated and his heart fell. _I've… hurt her too much. It's too late… _

He felt unsure as he reached out a hand towards her and then found he couldn't let himself even touch her. His fingers lingered close to her arm and then he pulled his hand back. "I… I'm sorry… you… you're crying, Karin."

She sniffled and raised her head.

He stared at her worriedly.

She stuck out her tongue at him, her face still blushing and wet with tears. He was surprised and blinked at her for a moment, his cold eyes wide.

She grinned at him as hard as she could, the tears still in her eyes. And her bright smile made his insides melt and his heart rise up. He stared at her with the overwhelming feeling in his heart.

She kept trying to swipe the tears away somewhat unsuccessfully because they kept coming, but she smiled as hard as she could. "Heh," she laughed. "…I'm okay, Toushirou!"

He stared at her, stunned for a moment more.

"I… I dunno… I just… can't stop crying!" she muttered and smiled as she swiped at her tears. She looked up at him and beamed. "I just… can't stop crying 'cause I… really, really love you, Toushirou!!"

Embarrassment won over her and she scowled in annoyance as she stared down at her feet, flushing bright red. Her voice was awkward and shy, but honest.

"Even though… it really hurt before, with you trying so hard to put me together with Jun… and you getting so angry… just 'cause I liked you. And it was so hard because as much as it hurt me inside, I realized just how much more you'd gone through, and spent so much energy and time trying to put yourself back together and the only method you found for yourself was holding it in and hiding behind these… 'bandages'. And yeah… even though you won't always be here, even though I thought you had left, you came back. And even though I know you're not like me- you're a shinigami… a soul reaper captain with such a heap of responsibility to his name… I… I still love you, Toushirou…!"

She stood there, scowling with irritation at her sentiment and scuffing the toe of her shoes in the dirt. He watched her for only one more second before his heart won out and he had to reach out and hug her. And he realized everything that had once seemed wrong to him, the emptiness inside felt better now. And inside, the pain that never seemed to go away seemed so far away now.

Hitsugaya closed his eyes and tightened his arms around Karin, resting his chin over her shoulder. She peeked over from at the sky from behind his shoulder and let her last tears fall as she hugged him tightly.

And he smiled because he felt the invisible bandages loosen from around him.

---

Hitsugaya Toushirou didn't seem quite so broken anymore. He'd really been through a lot, but the dark eye circles were long gone, his icy-cold eyes didn't look so distant anymore. And he stood there, in his shihakusho, standing at the gate to Soul Society.

_I'm better. I'm really… and truly… better._

_And I know I've put the people who worried about me through a lot of things. Every one of them, Matsumoto, the others, even Yamamoto! And Karin… _

Hitsugaya smiled to himself in memory as he watched the gates appear.

"…_so… will you look after my heart… until I come back again?" _

"…_Yep, I promise, Toushirou!" _

And already inside his chest he felt the slight panging that told him it would hurt being away from her, but he knew it'd be okay. This time… he'd be okay.

He'd be back soon, he promised. And he looked up to see the large gates slowly sliding themselves open in front of him. He saw the whiteness behind the doors stretching out into nothingness.

He'd be back.

Hitsugaya began the walk towards the gate.

Sometimes… to heal you have to rip off the bandaids, even though it hurts. Sometimes, you've got to expose your wounds, your cuts and bruises for them to get better.

'cause your bandages have got to come off someday. Or else your pain will never heal.

He knew now. He couldn't just hide it. And even though he suffered and was broken apart, the bandages he'd wrapped around him didn't bring him the relief he'd wanted. Why'd he ever say he wasn't going to be healed, why did he ever say he could never be put together? Why did he try to hide it all and keep it wrapped up? He'd tried to cover it up and hold himself together so much that the bandages would've eventually choked him.

_I'm better. I promise. _

_Momo… I… I'm over you. But I realize I can't just blame everything on you, because that won't help at all. I… I've gotten better without you. I've found someone who loves me the way I love her. I've… found someone who will always look back at me when I look at her._

_I…_

And as he took the first step into the open doors, he felt his heart pulsate faster with the anticipation of what was to come.

_I'm coming back. This time… I'm back for good. _

_And I know there will be someone here, in Karakura… waiting for me to visit. And I know she'll always be here… and she won't let go of what I've left her. Because she is precious to me, simply 'cause she is Karin._

Hitsugaya stepped inside, focusing straight ahead, his cold blue-green eyes determined. _I… I'll do my best. I'm Captain Hitsugaya, captain of Tenth Division, Soul Society. _

And he saw the mist of the Soul Society rise up beside him and he could hear the doors of the gate begin to close. He didn't look back as the view of Karakura began to be hidden.

He'd be back.

And as the doors of Soul Society closed around him, the bandages that he'd once clung to so desperately, the ones that he'd used as a wall between him and the others who cared for him, the bandages that were meant to hold him together but ended up choking him… The bandages fell off, unravelling into nothingness, never to be seen again.

_Goodbye, bandages._

He almost felt a little exposed, he knew his weakness, scars and bruises were still there, uncovered for the world to see. But it would be okay. He was healing.

_I'm home._

Soul Society stretched out in his view, the very white buildings almost stunning him.

And inside, he felt so light. His heavy heart once burdened by unmentionable troubles and pains, weighed down more so and trapped from his own bandages, seemed so light now it could fly. And the Captain of Tenth Division adjusted his haori and looked ahead towards his home.

And Hitsugaya Toushirou smiled.

_Sometimes… to heal you have to rip off the bandaids, even though it hurts. Sometimes, you've got to expose your wounds, your cuts and bruises for them to get better. _

'_cause your bandages have got to come off someday..._

And Hitsugaya's bandages were gone behind that door, never to return again.

**The End.**

**There you go!! *BIG SIGH!! Man, that was tiring! I dunno… that last section… wasn't so sure how to pull that off, but I hope you all understood what I was trying to show. As for the hitsukarin- their conversation was hard to pull off too. And I write so many of those confession scenes in all my fanfic, they seem to get harder and harder 'cause every time, I get tougher on myself in what I want. Still… I really, really hope you all liked it! ^_^ Anyway, ****Your Bandages**** is now over!! Thanks so much everybody for reading it all the way through!! You all rock! ^_^ emichii **


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